Who Are You?

Today I’m reflecting on how many of us have been taught to define ourselves by our job description or what we do.  I know so many people who think of themselves as a CPA, a doctor, a wife/husband, a parent, a marketing executive, etc.  They define WHO they are by the roles they play and WHAT they do.  This is fine until circumstances change and they no longer “do what they do”.  If they have defined themselves by their job description, they not only lose a job, but they lose their identity.

I know several people who are planning on retiring this coming year, and a couple that have been forced by circumstances to change careers or just stop working altogether.  Most of these folks are not only looking at a major job shift, but they are also dealing with an identity crisis.

For example, my client Anthony has been a CPA for over 35 years.  He is planning on retiring in 2008, but he identifies so strongly with his job that he is now asking “who am I if I’m not an accountant?”  He’s thinking of postponing his retirement (much to the dismay of his wife, who is ready to go travel and play) because he can’t imagine who he will be without a job title to help identify himself.

It seems to me that Anthony is still the same person he has always been. He is a smart, organized, detail-oriented, loving, funny, adventuresome, logical guy. He is loyal, a great husband, father and friend, gentle, kind, responsible, reliable, athletic, and many other wonderful things.  He happens to use some of these talents in his job, but his job is not WHO he is.  He can, and does, just as easily use those talents in many other areas of his life.

Anthony took some time to actually look at and write down WHO he is  He also asked his family and friends what they see in him, .and  was amazed at all he discovered when he let go of labels and job descriptions, and instead focused on qualities.

So, I’m wondering if you’ve taken time to really look at WHO you are.  What are your talents, skills, qualities, quirks and even your failings?  All together they make up the amazing person you are.  You are the only one like you --- you are original and unique --- so isn’t it time for you to get acquainted with incredible you?

It’s something to think about.

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you.  Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.

  

Do You Argue for Your Limitations?

“Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they’re yours.”

I was reminded of this quote from Richard Bach’s wonderful book, Illusions, as I was talking with Lisa, a woman I’d just met at a party.

Lisa explained that she owns a small hair salon, and said that she dreams of bringing in more stylists and growing her business.  However, when she talked about her dreams, she finished by telling me all the reasons they will never come true.

Lisa went into great detail about how she isn’t smart enough, the economy is awful, she has no money for expansion, she doesn’t know how to market, and she wouldn’t have a clue how to manage people or deal with staff.  Yet, she continues to fantasize that she will somehow own a large, successful, full-service salon.

Can or Can’t?

When I suggested that she might want to look at the things she can do to change this situation, instead of focusing on what she can’t do, she argued and pointed out all the reasons why it will never work.

If she continues in this vain, she will get to be right.  Her business will never grow, her dreams will not come true, and it will never work.

What Lisa doesn’t understand is that in order for her to move ahead, she needs to focus on her goals, acknowledge that they are reachable, and find ways to meet them.  If she doesn’t have the skills necessary to manage staff or market her business, she can learn.  If she thinks she isn’t smart enough, she can find someone to mentor or guide her.  There are always solutions, if she’s open to finding them.  The most important first step is for Lisa to stop spending all her time arguing for her limitations and start seeing possibilities.

Possibilities or Limitations?

Whenever Lisa is ready to start moving towards her dreams by looking at possibilities instead of limitations, there are several questions she can ask herself.  Some are:

·        Where do I feel stuck or fearful?

·        What do I need to know to move ahead?

·        What attitudes or thoughts are holding me back?

·        How true are these?

·        How can I learn this skill or deal with this fear?  (books, classes, seminars, mentors, etc.)

·        What is one thing I can do today to shift this perception?

Once she has answered these questions, she will know what is holding her back and what she needs to do to move past whatever is limiting her.  She will be able to see that options and solutions to any challenge are always there when she is open to seeing them.

Just like Lisa, many of us unconsciously argue for our limitations, and then wonder why we haven’t moved closer to our dreams.  It may be helpful for you to look at areas where you feel blocked, and see what you are telling yourself about your ability to move forward.

Are you arguing for your limitations, or seeing possibilities?

It’s something to think about.

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you.  Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.

Is Fear of Conflict Running Your Life?

Jim is the owner of a small successful printing shop.  He has five employees who usually get along well with each other.  However, two of his staff members began bickering, which interfered with the productivity and positive feel of his business.  Jim knew he let the situation go on too long, allowing it to become toxic and spread to the rest of his employees.

The situation continued because Jim was conflict avoidant, which means he was uncomfortable dealing with any kind of confrontation, so he stayed away from it.

Jim told me he was raised in a family where conflict was seen as bad, and meant that people didn’t love, like or care about each other.  Because of this attitude, things were never dealt with.  He was taught to keep the peace at all costs and “not rock the boat”.  Some of the ways he learned to deal with potential conflict were:  to ignore the situation in the hope it would go away; change the subject; put off the discussion; or just not bring it up.  He learned to take no risks, say nothing, and stay uninvolved.

There are many reasons why people are conflict avoidant, and it’s not always a bad thing. At times it can be an effective short-term strategy.  Conflict avoidance can be used to buy time, gather more information on an issue or let emotions simmer down.  It can also be used if the issue is unimportant to you, it’s not your business, or you don’t have any authority or responsibility in the matter. 

However, if this strategy is used too long or too often, being conflict avoidant can allow a situation to escalate and become heated.  It can also make it so your needs don’t get met, others take advantage of you, and you become angry and resentful.

When Jim was a child, conflict avoidance worked most of the time, but now, as the boss, it’s no longer an effective.  The situation in his shop was escalating, he needed to do something about it, and he was at a loss about how to start.

One of the first steps for Jim was to realize that conflict doesn’t have to become a huge drama, nor does it mean the end of a relationship.  He also needed to learn that dealing with issues as they come up can be positive, because once addressed, it stops them from becoming a bigger problem.

In order to deal with conflict, Jim learned to:

·        Emotionally detach and remain calm

·        Listen to all sides

·        Use empathy and listen to each party

·        Ask for clarification if he doesn’t understand, and to confirm he’s hearing what’s being said

·        Validate what he hears by paraphrasing what others say

·        Look at the facts and the goal

·        Communicate clearly and briefly

·        Focus on finding a win-win solution, and help them participate in joint problem solving

·        Help them identify creative and workable solutions

·        Focus on solutions instead of complaints

·        Support all parties in being assertive, which means they communicate their own needs while treating everyone else with dignity and respect

Jim decided to meet with his two staff members to help them work out their differences.  He used several of his new skills, and was delighted to see how his employees participated in the discussion, shared their feelings, and collaborated to solve the problem.  Jim realized that the act of hearing and acknowledging each of them was a big part in resolving the conflict.

Now when things begin to become tense at work, or even with his family and friends, Jim is able to address the situation in a calm, nonjudgmental way.  He has learned that conflict is a normal part of any relationship.  When he handles it right it doesn’t have to turn into a fight, and the sooner he acknowledges and deals with it, the more harmonious and efficient his world will be.

It’s something to think about.

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you.  Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.