How Do You Ask?

Julie was frustrated.  She was trying to get information from her employees, but they weren’t giving her the answers she was looking for.  She thought they weren’t listening to her.  However, as we talked it became apparent that she also had this trouble in her personal life, when she communicated with her husband, children and friends.

As we explored the situation it became apparent that the problem was in the way Julie asked questions. Instead of asking what she wanted to know and letting the other person give her an answer, she often asked the question with the answer imbedded in it.  She turned a statement into a question, and the listener ended up confused about what she wanted to know.  For example, she would say, “The report is finished, right?” when she really wanted to know the complete status of the report.  When she asked questions this way she made assumptions that might not be correct, and set herself up to be wrong (the listener could either validate what she said – “Yes, it is completed”, or worse, “No, it’s not ready yet.”)

This method of questioning also invalidates the person she is talking with and assumes Julie has to give them the answer.

Julie realized that in order to obtain the information she wanted she had to ask the question correctly.  Together we spent time looking at the different ways to ask questions.  Some of the most common of these are:

·        Yes/No Questions, which can be answered with a single word, “Yes” or “No”.  “Is the report finished?” is a typical yes/no question.

·        Factual/Informational Questions, which look for more than just yes or no, but usually have a single, simple answer.  “When will the report be finished?” is an example of an Factual/Informational question.  You gain new information, but in a very narrow framework.

·        Opinion Questions, which have no right or wrong answers.  Ask this type of question when you want to know what a person thinks or feels about a subject.  “What do you think about the report?” is a typical Opinion Question.

·        Open-Ended Questions, which usually start with “What”, “How” or “Please Tell me ”.  Asking an open-ended question will get you the most information, and may open new avenues of discussion. .  An example of an open-ended question is, “Will you please tell me about the report and how it’s coming along?”

Julie realized that an Open-Ended question is what she needed to ask in order to get the complete status of the report and to learn what was going on with it.

Julie realized that she often asked closed, informational questions when she really wanted more information.  She now understands that in order to ask the appropriate question she has to know what type of information she wants before ever opening her mouth.  If she wants a “Yes” or “No”, a simple date or place, or an opinion, she will ask informational questions.  However, when she wants an overview, she will phrase her question in an open-ended way designed to elicit more information.

Julie experimented with asking more open-ended questions and was happily surprised to find her communication with her employees, family and friends was flowing better and she was getting the information she wanted.

So, how do you ask questions?  Are people confused about how to respond, or are you clear about what you really want to know?

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website.

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Are You Congruent?

At a meeting last week I met a man who introduced himself as a personal trainer and health coach.  He seemed quite knowledgeable about his field, but later, at the break, he went outside to smoke a cigarette! He was also quite overweight.  These two things surprised me, since he claimed his focus was on creating healthy bodies and life styles.  It made me wonder how effective he could be with his clients if he is asking them to do something he can’t do. It started me thinking about congruency.

Being congruent means living your life so that your words, values and behavior all align.  You live your values and do what you say. I think the old phrases are “walk the talk:” or “practice what you preach.” In the case of this man, I was confused about how he could coach people to live a healthy lifestyle, and then deliberately do something unhealthy to himself.  He obviously wasn’t living a congruent life, and my response to this was to distrust him and his ability.

When I became a business and personal coach, my first job was to coach myself so I could be congruent as I worked with my clients.  I focused on always being responsible, honest and trustworthy, following through, cleaning up things I am tolerating in my life, and valuing the person I am.  If I were going to ask my clients to do this, then I had to do it first.  It’s something I continue to do, every day.

So, this month I’m reflecting on the importance of being congruent.

How about you?

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you.  Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.

Don't Say Don't!

Last week I was leaving a friend’s house and she said, “Don’t forget to pick up the decorations for the party.”  I was already planning on getting the decorations, but also appreciated the reminder.  What struck me was that instead of telling me what she wanted me to do, which was, “Remember to pick up the decorations….”, she phrased it in the negative.

I started paying attention to how people talk, and realized that this way of phrasing requests is common.  Parents often warn their children, “Don’t go in the street,” or “Don’t forget to do your homework.”  What they are really saying is, “Stay on the sidewalk,” or, “Do your homework before dinner.”

Sometimes the subconscious mind doesn’t hear all the words, and can easily miss the “don’t” in the above sentences.  So what I might hear is you suggesting that I, “Forget to pick up the decorations,” or you telling your child to, “Play in the street.”  Even the title of this article should be, ‘Avoid Saying Don’t.’

So this month I’m reflecting on the importance of looking at things from a positive perspective.  How I phrase requests is just another way to do that.  Now I’m more aware, so when I have a suggestion for someone, I will think about what I WANT rather than what I don’t want, and say it that way.

How about you?

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you.  Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.