When I later reflected on this situation I realized that
what had happened was a failure to communicate. When my husband used the word
“quiet” he meant silent, but our
children interpreted it to mean less
volume. A very uncomfortable situation was caused by the lack of a common
word definition.
COMMON SITUATION
What happened in the car that day is very common when people
attempt to communicate. We often think we’re having a meeting of the minds, and
later discover there was no connection at all.
How often have you walked away from talking with someone thinking they
understood what you said, and then found out s/he had no clue what you were
talking about?
Although common, situations such as this can be avoided if
we use a few simple techniques. The
first is to realize that both participants in a conversation have a role to
play.
.
Most people assume that the person doing the speaking is the
one who is communicating. In reality communication is a two-way street and the
roles of both speaker and listener are equally important. Fortunately
there are several things each can do to insure that the process of delivering
and receiving information flows smoothly.
BE PRESENT/PAY ATTENTION
The first thing is for both participants to be mentally
present and pay attention. This sounds obvious, but how many times have you
been in a conversation where you’ve been distracted by things around you, are
thinking about how you’ll respond, or wondering what you’ll have for dinner? If
both participants aren’t fully present and completely tuned in to the
conversation, clear communication will not take place.
BODY LANGUAGE
The second thing both participants can do is to be aware of
their body language. Studies have shown that over 75% of communication is
nonverbal. Things such as eye contact, tone of voice, facial expression and how
you hold your arms, all communicate your level of interest in what’s going
on. To facilitate good communication,
both speaker and listener must maintain good eye contact, use a pleasant tone
of voice, make sure their body is in an “open”, friendly position, and smile
and nod to indicate they are on the same page.
The third thing both speaker and listener can do is to give
feedback to each other. This may be
nonverbally, as we just mentioned, or spoken. The listener can clarify word
definitions or ask questions if something is unclear. The speaker can define
words that might be confusing or misunderstood, and ask if there are questions
or if clarification is needed. Since we
all come from our own experience and perspective, we often hear what we’re
expecting or wanting to hear rather than what is actually said. If this skill
had been used during the interaction between my children and their father I’m
sure there would have been more understanding and probably no conflict.
TWO LEVELS
The fourth thing both speaker and listener can do is be
aware that communication happens on at least two levels. There is the content level, which is the literal
meaning of the spoken words, and there is the process level, which refers to the feelings beneath the words. In
the situation with my husband and children, the content was that he wanted them
to be quiet. The process was that he was tense and stressed with the traffic
situation and needed their help in coping with it. If the listener is aware of
both levels it will add to his/her understanding of what the speaker is
conveying, and can help him/her respond in the most appropriate way.
When you are listening and what you’re hearing on both
levels is the same, you are probably receiving the intended message. However, often the message is different, and
this can lead to major confusion on the part of the listener. A common example
of this is when you ask someone how s/he is doing and in a sad, slow voice they
reply “I’m fine”. The words say all is
well, however the nonverbal cues may be telling you the words aren’t true. When the process and content are not
congruent it’s important for the listener to pick up on this and ask about
what’s really going on.
Both participants can also further communication by
summarizing what they are saying or hearing, and giving occasional feedback to
each other to insure they’re both on the same track.
BE BRIEF, BE BOLD, BE GONE!
One last hint is for the speaker to be specific and brief
about what s/he’s saying. We’ve all known people who tend to ramble and add
unnecessary details when they talk. They are usually difficult to understand. A
good speaker follows the rule "Be Brief, Be Bold, and Be Gone!”
So, when you interact with your employees, customers/
clients, family and friends are you effectively communicating or just talking?
Do you clarify? Are you fully present,
using positive body language, defining your words and giving feedback? Do you
listen fully and with an open mind?
Communicating effectively takes work, but the rewards are great.
I think you will be pleased to find that when you make the effort to
communicate clearly your relationships will suddenly become easy and
uncomplicated. Why not give it a try?
Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and
experience
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