John: It has been
a crazy week. Kelly got diagnosed with a bacterial infection last week and
between work and spending the time with her, well, it’s really all I have time
for. But that’s not what made it crazy. What’s made it crazy is all these
messages I have received from people saying “where are you? Where are you?
You’re not online. You are not responding.” No, I’m not. And you know why? It’s
because I am tending to things and living my life, doing the things that really
matter.
What happened to the time where you can step back, do what
you need to do and not get besieged by people wondering what happened? I
remember a time where you could call someone, you would leave a message and
then you would wait to call back. If they didn’t get back to you, it was
because they either got busy and forgot, or it was because they didn’t want to
talk, or had other things going on.
To me, relationships are a game of tennis. You hit the ball
over the net and then you WAIT until the person hits it back to you, but over
the last couple weeks, I am feeling like the automatic ball return is on and
blasting balls at me and I can’t return them all. And I don’t want to return
them all. I can’t return them all.
Sandy, there
really is something to this. What I am learning is that the virtual life is not
my life. My life are the people that I interact with in person every day, that
the false “influence” and social media super moguls and messaging is not all it
is cracked up to be.
It’s draining.
Okay, I know there is research out there that indicates that online
relationships affect people similarly to real-life relationships. This goes for
romantic relationships and friendships too. I agree that both involve a similar
hit of dopamine, but for me, real-life beats virtual every time. Online
relationships and personas are not success. Neither is a giant house. Or a six
pack abs or fancy clothes. Success means putting
in the hours,
shutting down that dessert, waking up for the gym, not hitting the snooze
button, making personal connections, practicing over and over, and doing one
thing every day that moves you forward, whether you feel
like doing it or not.
Success
is what you did to make those things happen. And more than that, success is
what you did to make those things happen, even if they didn’t actually
happen. Success is not networking to find the hidden job market. It is
putting in the work at the things that are important to you. It’s
an, well, its an INSIDE job, isn’t it?
Sandy: Wow John,
you have a lot going on here! First of
all, I’m so sorry Kelly has this health challenge, and hope she will be feeling
better soon. It’s wonderful that she is
your major priority (as she should be in a good relationship), and that you are
spending your time and thoughts on her right now.
There are many positives about technology, but also many
negatives. I believe that technology is
useful for exchanging information and staying in touch about many things.
However, it’s become such a huge part of some people’s lives
that they think connecting with others through it makes a relationship. I’m afraid we’ve lost the definition of what
a true relationship is. Obviously there
are all kinds of relationships. We have some kind of relationship with the
folks we work with, the clerk at the store, our friends and acquaintances, our
family, neighbors, and all kinds of other folks. There are as many kinds and levels of relationships as there are
people and situations.
Unfortunately, many people think that because they connect
with someone through technology they have a relationship, the definition and
depth of which is open to each person’s interpretation. One person might think because you email
with them you are “close”, yet you see it exchanging information with someone
you know, but with no emotional involvement.
I remember the olden days when I was young and dinosaurs
roamed the earth. We had one phone,
attached to the wall, in one room of our house. If we had a conversation on that phone everyone else could hear
it.
To connect with people we went out into the world, and were
able to form relationships by actually being with people, looking into their
eyes, hearing their tone of voice, reading their body language, and relating in
person. This is how we formed strong,
long-lasting relationships.
Also, is those days when we left work we were off work! We had free time to do whatever you wanted
to, without being interrupted by, or having to answer to, random people at all
times.
Yes, having to be available all the time is exhausting and
intrusive. Technology has made it so people expect us to be available 24/7, and
when we aren’t they get angry and feel slighted. They forget that it’s not about them. We each have the choice whether to be available or not, and it
has nothing to do with the people in your virtual world. We all need time to be left alone.
I agree that relationships are like a game of tennis. You hit the ball over the net and someone
hits it back. They might do it
immediately, later on, or never. That
lets you know what level of relationship you have.
I have trouble with the concept that online relationships
affect people the same as in person relationships do. I’ve seen research that shows that always being technologically
connected actually separates us from real-life relationships and leaves people
feeling empty.
I also completely agree that success isn’t about the
stuff. True success is definitely an
inside job. It comes from having
positive self-esteem, believing that you are a loveable, valuable, capable,
competent person. Always treating
yourself with respect and expecting others to do the same.
Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and
experience
Sandy is now offering a FREE Coaching Call, so you can see
what Coaching is all about. Please
email her at Sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put FREE Call in
the Subject Line. She will get right
back to you to schedule your call.
For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the
Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach
website. Also be sure to check out our
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