Tuesday, May 7, 2019

Positive Vibes -- Expectations

John: William James said that “human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind. And lately, mine have been the type of lowered expectations. I am no longer saying all these mantras every day, or thinking that if I just put it out to the Universe, that it will manifest itself with the law of attraction to me. I am not a brand, a sexy influencer, and I am certainly no longer the “Cat that gets things done.” That’s repulsive now actually. What I am is the new me, which is back to the old me – quiet, reserved, unassuming, hard working and doing what I want to do with whom I want to do it. I am still making lists, but these lists are the things I need to get done today, immediately, and if I don’t do them all, I no longer see myself as a miserable failure, nor will I compare myself to you or think I am better than you because I can do 2,000,000 more things than you. That’s dumb. My whole life I have been an overachieving, Type A perfectionist. The sort of person who obsessively stresses about getting work in on time, yet also compulsively turns in assignments a week ahead of their due date. While my discipline and work ethic are certainly qualities I’ve come to appreciate, they haven’t always served me well. My relentless drive toward perfectionism and often mile-high expectations have actually held me back from doing many of the things I’ve wanted to do. And now, what I want to do is work, write, yoga, pushups, Strat, be alone, do what I want to the best of my ability. I don’t want to go to Boston, participate in career coaching, redo my resume with an expensive package, post a motivating meme here to implore someone to take action. Don’t care.

My expectations are horrifyingly lowered. And now, thinking about it, lower expectations initially run counter-intuitive to everything I believe about getting better. My mom used to say, no blood, no sympathy and I felt the same about self-improvement. If I wasn’t bleeding, I obviously was not trying hard enough. Again, dumb. According to science, however, low expectations might be the secret to success when it comes to creating positive change and building healthy habits. This often and unfortunately gets in the way of real self-improvement when we overestimate things like how quickly and easily we can enact change, or how much change we’re capable of.

When we set our expectations high and then can’t quite reach them, it feels like we’ve failed, discouragement sets in, and we tend to give up. However, right now, this really doesn’t feel like I am lowering expectations, just breaking things down into more manageable pieces. I am not your Superman. I don’t want to be your Superman. I don’t want to be MY Superman. I still want to do curls though. Because good looking arms are SWEET. Don’t judge. Or do. Again, don’t care.

If you’re feeling frustrated about all the things you’re not doing—especially big, time-consuming activities—ask yourself if you really want to do this or just think you should. If it is something you want, try lowering your expectations of yourself and doing only what feels manageable, and see if that helps you get going. Like me, you may find that taking the pressure off makes it a lot easier to get and stay motivated. Now, let me turn it over to Sandy, so I can go do, well, whatever I want to do.

Sandy: Hey John. I love the way your mind works! You’re always thinking fun things, and it sounds like you are rediscovering the person you really are. This is wonderful! As you can imagine, I have a lot of thoughts about your post.

First of all, striving for perfection is a recipe for disaster, because there really is no such thing as perfect. Yes, you can do things ‘right’, and feel pleased with the result, but you can also feel pleased to have things done even if they’re not ‘perfect’. I believe that there are a few really important things that have to be done as correctly as possible, (brain surgery, for example), but in the overall scheme of life, the majority of things don’t need to be 100%, all the time. It’s important to triage, do 100% on the big things, and then give yourself a break on the others.

I also don’t use the word ‘fail’. Every time something doesn’t work the way I expected or hoped it would, there is an opportunity to learn. I feel that a learning opportunity is a success, not a failure.

Instead of saying your expectations are “horrifyingly low”, I’d say they are healthy. There again, have the high expectations for the few major things where the outcome is hugely important, and then back off and enjoy the rest without beating yourself up about it all. That is a much healthier way to go.

I think what your mother was saying about “no blood, no sympathy”, is that it’s not necessary to whine or complain about every bump or scrape. However, if you have a big need (blood indicates a bigger problem), then it’s OK to bring it to people’s attention. There again, we’re talking about triaging the situation and deciding how big a deal it is.

You’re definitely not lowering your expectations! It sounds to me like you’re getting realistic about them. A few things you can really go for, but most you don’t have to do it full tilt. Re-evaluating and choosing your response is healthy.

You used the word ‘frustrated’, so of course I need to say again that when you feel frustrated, what you’re really feeling is powerless. To get rid of frustration you need to find a way to gain some power and control over the situation. Often you can do this by making different choices or shifting your attitude. Of course, to do that you might need to look at and re-evaluate your ‘shoulds’. I always say, “Should according to whom?” If the answer is someone else, society, what I was taught, my family and friends, etc., I have the power to change that ‘should’ into what fits for me.

I hope you had fun doing whatever you wanted to do. :+)

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience

Sandy is now offering a FREE Coaching Call, so you can see what Coaching is all about. Please email her at Sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put FREE Call in the Subject Line. She will get right back to you to schedule your call.

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website. Also be sure to check out our Books and Programs page.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you. Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.

If you would like to feel more confident and believe in yourself, check out The Confidence Pack, which contains several powerful worksheets to guide you and an amazing hypnotherapy session to strengthen your belief in yourself.

Monday, April 1, 2019

Positive Vibes - Virtual Life

John: It has been a crazy week. Kelly got diagnosed with a bacterial infection last week and between work and spending the time with her, well, it’s really all I have time for. But that’s not what made it crazy. What’s made it crazy is all these messages I have received from people saying “where are you? Where are you? You’re not online. You are not responding.” No, I’m not. And you know why? It’s because I am tending to things and living my life, doing the things that really matter.

What happened to the time where you can step back, do what you need to do and not get besieged by people wondering what happened? I remember a time where you could call someone, you would leave a message and then you would wait to call back. If they didn’t get back to you, it was because they either got busy and forgot, or it was because they didn’t want to talk, or had other things going on.

To me, relationships are a game of tennis. You hit the ball over the net and then you WAIT until the person hits it back to you, but over the last couple weeks, I am feeling like the automatic ball return is on and blasting balls at me and I can’t return them all. And I don’t want to return them all. I can’t return them all.

Sandy, there really is something to this. What I am learning is that the virtual life is not my life. My life are the people that I interact with in person every day, that the false “influence” and social media super moguls and messaging is not all it is cracked up to be.

It’s draining. Okay, I know there is research out there that indicates that online relationships affect people similarly to real-life relationships. This goes for romantic relationships and friendships too. I agree that both involve a similar hit of dopamine, but for me, real-life beats virtual every time. Online relationships and personas are not success. Neither is a giant house. Or a six pack abs or fancy clothes. Success means putting in the hours, shutting down that dessert, waking up for the gym, not hitting the snooze button, making personal connections, practicing over and over, and doing one thing every day that moves you forward, whether you feel like doing it or not.

Success is what you did to make those things happen. And more than that, success is what you did to make those things happen, even if they didn’t actually happen. Success is not networking to find the hidden job market. It is putting in the work at the things that are important to you. It’s an, well, its an INSIDE job, isn’t it?

Sandy: Wow John, you have a lot going on here! First of all, I’m so sorry Kelly has this health challenge, and hope she will be feeling better soon. It’s wonderful that she is your major priority (as she should be in a good relationship), and that you are spending your time and thoughts on her right now.

There are many positives about technology, but also many negatives. I believe that technology is useful for exchanging information and staying in touch about many things.

However, it’s become such a huge part of some people’s lives that they think connecting with others through it makes a relationship. I’m afraid we’ve lost the definition of what a true relationship is. Obviously there are all kinds of relationships. We have some kind of relationship with the folks we work with, the clerk at the store, our friends and acquaintances, our family, neighbors, and all kinds of other folks. There are as many kinds and levels of relationships as there are people and situations.

Unfortunately, many people think that because they connect with someone through technology they have a relationship, the definition and depth of which is open to each person’s interpretation. One person might think because you email with them you are “close”, yet you see it exchanging information with someone you know, but with no emotional involvement.

I remember the olden days when I was young and dinosaurs roamed the earth. We had one phone, attached to the wall, in one room of our house. If we had a conversation on that phone everyone else could hear it.

To connect with people we went out into the world, and were able to form relationships by actually being with people, looking into their eyes, hearing their tone of voice, reading their body language, and relating in person. This is how we formed strong, long-lasting relationships.

Also, is those days when we left work we were off work! We had free time to do whatever you wanted to, without being interrupted by, or having to answer to, random people at all times.

Yes, having to be available all the time is exhausting and intrusive. Technology has made it so people expect us to be available 24/7, and when we aren’t they get angry and feel slighted. They forget that it’s not about them. We each have the choice whether to be available or not, and it has nothing to do with the people in your virtual world. We all need time to be left alone.

I agree that relationships are like a game of tennis. You hit the ball over the net and someone hits it back. They might do it immediately, later on, or never. That lets you know what level of relationship you have.

I have trouble with the concept that online relationships affect people the same as in person relationships do. I’ve seen research that shows that always being technologically connected actually separates us from real-life relationships and leaves people feeling empty.

I also completely agree that success isn’t about the stuff. True success is definitely an inside job. It comes from having positive self-esteem, believing that you are a loveable, valuable, capable, competent person. Always treating yourself with respect and expecting others to do the same.

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website. Also be sure to check out our Books and Programs page.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you. Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.

Saturday, March 23, 2019

Positive Vibes -- Blast From the Past

John: As human beings, we tend to look back at things with rose-colored glasses. The farther we get from the memory, the better it was. The hard thing to remember is, what happened in the past, does not equal the present. I got hit by a blast from the past recently, where someone who I hadn’t talked to in a very long time, strolled back in. The more I talked to them though, the more I thought about “Garth Brooks, Unanswered Prayers – “We tried to talk about the old days, there wasn’t much we could recall. Guess the Lord knows what he is doing after all. As they walked away, I looked at my wife and then and there I thank the good Lord for the gifts in my life….just because he does not answer, doesn’t mean he don’t care, some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.” But for me, my prayers luckily got answered. I was gifted Kelly and I was gifted Nicole. Both of them hold a very significant place in my life and in my heart and both leave me totally fulfilled, albeit in very different ways, but both are amazingly important. They are both significant and I will not tolerate disrespect to either of them.

Sandy, maybe it is me, but I don’t like looking back at the past. There is a reason that people have left. If people come back, it is important to remember why people left in the first place, however the relationship ended. And It does not have to have ended badly, but generally for me, going backwards is a losing proposition. What are your thoughts on this? Is it generally a bad thing to go backwards, or have you left people from your past back in and you are more fulfilled when they come back?

Sandy: Hi John, I love this topic, and I really love Garth’s song. It’s so powerful and true.

I believe that people are in our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. This makes sense to me. I’ve had many relationships that were wonderful, and then for some reason they were not. There wasn’t a huge fight or breakup. It just seemed that whatever we had come together for had been accomplished, and it was time to move on. Maybe one of us had changed, the situation shifted (we were friends at work and somebody left the company), or we just no longer had anything in common.

However, I’ve learned that I am better for every significant relationship I’ve experienced. There was always something to learn, and often it was a great growth opportunity so I could be even better for the new relationships that are still coming into my life.

So what I do is look at what was, find the takeaways, mentally thank them for our time together, and let it go. I also, like you with Kelly and Nicole, continue to cherish the few people (my husband Gene and our children and grandchildren) who are with me for a lifetime.

Dwelling on the past, once you’ve learned the lesson, keeps you stuck so you can’t move ahead. Since I hate to be stuck, I find the positive and keep moving forward.

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience.

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website. Also be sure to check out our Books and Programs page.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you. Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.

Monday, March 18, 2019

Positive Vibes - High Performance or High Character

We continue our Positive Vibes discussion with John Nocero from Duke University.

John: I read on the HCCA blog about Kasey Ingram, the General Counsel and Chief Compliance Officer of ISK Americas, who learned compliance at the bottom of the ocean as an officer aboard a nuclear ballistic submarine. During his orientation at the Naval Academy, a commander told him and the other new Midshipmen “Just because you’re a high performer doesn’t mean you have high character.” It was an admonition he never forgot and it has shaped his career since.

To me, it is about living with your core principles first – what is my purpose? What vision do I want to project and am I doing that every day? That’s important to me. I have worked with people on both ends of the spectrum – high performers with high and low character and I will take high character every day. I call low character someone who berates others or is verbally abusive. Drunk with power. You may see people who are shady. Neither are components of high character. So strive for both. When I focus on improving myself, everything in my world gets better. But if I focus on improving professionally, it does not make me a better person. Being a better professional? Sure. That’s nice. Being a better person? That takes minerals.

What do you think Sandy? Do you want high performance, high character or both? And why?

Sandy: Hi John. Interesting topic.

I agree that high character is by far the most important thing. Most people in our culture agree that being honest, trustworthy, loyal, reliable, responsible, thoughtful, and a person of integrity are what it’s about.

However, there are as many definitions of “high character” as there are people. We’re talking about your personal value system, which we each were taught by the people who raised us when we were young. If you come from a family that taught you it’s OK to lie, cheat or steal to get what you want, your values are different than those who came from a place of honesty and integrity.

In some cultures it’s acceptable to lie or use bribery to get what you want in business, or to manipulate circumstances in your favor. In those situations the focus is on high performance above all, so high character suffers.

I like to think that high character will result in high performance, but unfortunately it’s not always the case. Sometimes the shady character wins, at least in the short term.

However, if at all possible I choose to avoid those folks and surround myself with people who have the same values I do. In my world my values are most important. I have to be able to live a life of integrity, treat others as I want to be treated, and be able to sleep well at night.

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website. Also be sure to check out our Books and Programs page.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you. Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.

Thursday, February 28, 2019

Positive Vibes -- An Inside Job

John: Sandy, I read a very interesting piece on the Simple Dollar blog, recently, titled, Seven Personal Finance Lessons from the Government Shutdown. The government shutdown is over. Government workers have returned to their jobs and back pay should be arriving soon (if it hasn’t already). Things are back to normal… for now.

However, it’s the “for now” part that should leave many people concerned going forward. In truth, the government shutdown has been an incredibly valuable moment for learning for all of us. It’s exposed some difficult truths about our government, but more than that, it’s also exposed the fragile nature of the financial and professional lives of many, many Americans. Hundreds of thousands of government employees and many more contractors have seen their lives thrown into chaos when they previously perceived their employment as incredibly stable.

This experience has provided all of us with a great opportunity to step back and look at the reality of our own financial and professional worlds. It’s pointed at a few things we should all keep in mind as we move forward.

My biggest takeaway was that there is nothing that is truly “stable,” much less a job, but financial readiness should be. You talk a great deal about success is an inside job – heck, isn’t that the principle that your company was founded upon, I believe – but what was your biggest lesson that you took away from the shutdown and what is your biggest piece of advice that you would tell someone who perceived something to be more stable than it actually is?

Think about this for a second – what many people do not do is save enough for an emergency fund if something were to happen, do you think people do enough pre-saving in case this happened to them, either financially, professional networking or other? And what would you tell people who this did happen to, how they can bounce back quickly, instead of feeling sorry for themselves? It should always be about being the victor and not the victim, no?

Sandy: Great topic John. Lots of food for thought here.

I think we’re talking about a couple of different things. Your first point about “nothing is truly stable”, is absolutely true, and applies to everything in life. As I’ve said before, life is about change, and although we all love being in our cozy comfort zones, the reality is that it is temporary. It might be long-term temporary (if there is such a term), but at some point, things will change. People lose their jobs, the company goes out of business, somebody gets sick, the relationship ends either voluntarily or involuntarily, your house burns down, etc. On the brighter side, positive things happen that also require changes. You graduate and get a terrific job, your kids grow up and leave home, you move to a new location, find your perfect partner, get married, have a child, win the lottery, etc. All of these shifts, both wanted and unwanted, require adaptation. To work with these shifts we need to be aware they might happen and have some kind of plan on how to deal with the change.

Keeping that in mind, we go to your second point about saving in case the unwanted change happens. Saving can refer to money, or making sure you have friends and/or colleagues to back you up, making sure you have enough supplies or money to meet your basic needs in case disaster strikes, etc.

Often when we are in a good place we’re lulled into believing it will always be that way, so we don’t put aside extra money or supplies, buy the insurance, or create an emergency plan. So when something unexpected happens we are blindsided and totally unprepared.

I believe that’s what happened during the Shutdown. People assumed that the government is stable, so if they had a government job they would always be taken care of. Following that line of thought, they didn’t see a need to prepare for the unexpected by setting aside money, food, etc.

The reality is that it’s up to each of us to take responsibility for where we are in our lives. Not only emotionally, but also financially, physically, professionally, in relationships, and everywhere. As you said, it’s about being the victor, not the victim.

Victims think they have no control, and refuse to claim power and responsibility for their situation, thoughts and actions. They blame others and feel sorry for themselves, which keeps them stuck. Victors assess the situation, make a plan and move ahead. They also learn the lesson and take steps to insure that this particular thing won’t happen to them again.

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience.

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website. Also be sure to check out our Books and Programs page.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you. Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.

Monday, February 18, 2019

Positive Vibes -- Are You an Introvert?

John: It is a Saturday afternoon around 3;30pm. It is raining here in NC. The house is quiet. My wife and dog are upstairs taking a nap. You can literally hear a pin drop in here. It is bliss. The sounds of silence. I don’t know when I got so introverted. Let me take that back – yes I do, I grew up introverted. Some of my distinct, fondest memories are of me sitting alone on the floor in my bedroom listening to the radio, or playing, or reading. I didn’t need anyone then for fulfillment. I don’t think I do even now. Which is why it was so funny for me to worry about what people thought for so many years. If you give me a radio, or a notepad, or a game of Strat, I’m good for 6-7 hours. As Susan Cain said, in her book, Quite, “solitude matters, and for some people, it’s the air they breathe.” We live in a culture that celebrates extroversion and sees introversion as a weakness or something to overcome. If you’re an introvert, you may have grown up believing there was something wrong with you. You may not even have realized there’s a word for your personality type, that 26 to 50 percent of the population falls under that umbrella, and that our brains are actually wired differently than extroverts’ brains. But they are, and that is okay. To me, I’m never lonely. I love, love, love the time I spend alone (or just with my immediate family). It feeds my soul.

Sandy – are you introverted or extroverted and what do you tell introverts who are looking to find their place?

Sandy: This is such a great topic John, and I can completely relate to your enjoyment of the sounds of silence, because I am also an introvert. When I was a child they used to call me “shy”. I didn’t know how to relate to people, and really didn’t want to because I always ended up feeling exhausted.

I now know that being either an introvert or extrovert is just fine. What it means is that extroverts get their energy and are rejuvenated by being around people, while introverts are drained by being around lots of people, and are rejuvenated and energized by alone time. Yes, our brains are “wired differently”, it’s how we are born, and it’s all OK.

The important thing is for each person to understand how he or she functions, and then make time to meet his or her energy needs. If you are an extrovert you probably want to connect with people sometime during each day. If you are an introvert you want to have as much alone time as possible to re-energize.

Of course, this doesn’t mean becoming a hermit. Over the years I’ve learned to enjoy spending time with groups of people, but I know when it’s time for me to re-energize by taking a solitary walk or sitting and listening to music.

Introverts are usually friendly and nice people, just as extroverts are. They might need to push themselves a bit to get out into the world, but when they do they have a good time.

Even though introverts enjoy solitude we can still be quite friendly, outgoing, energetic and have a great time with others. I believe it’s all about finding a balance and loving and appreciating yourself just as you are.

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience.

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website. Also be sure to check out our Books and Programs page.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you. Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.

Monday, February 11, 2019

Create Your Perfect Year

Anytime is a great time to review the past year and discover what you’ve learned. Then to plan for the coming year and what you want to make happen in the next twelve months. Remember that the best way to predict the future is to create it!

I’d like to suggest you take a few minutes to reflect on the following questions and then write down the answers. They will help you make the next 12 months everything you want them to be.

What was the high point of this past year and why?

What did I learn or discover about myself?

What made me happy or fulfilled me this year?

What was my most successful project?

What disappointments did I have? What can I learn from them?

Now look at the coming year and think about:

Goals: What are the 5 most important things I want to have happen in my business in the next 12 months?

Goals: What are the 5 most important things I want to have happen in my personal life in the next 12 months?

Add: What do I want to have/experience more of in my life this year?

Subtract: What do I want to remove/reduce from my life in the next 12 months?

Shifts: What shifts will I have to make or what things/attitudes/beliefs will I have to let go of in order to achieve my goals?

Actions: What specific things will I do to make my goals a reality?

Support: Who are the key people to help/support me as I make this a phenomenal year, and what, specifically, do I need from them?

Great job! Now go do it, and have a really terrific year!

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website. Also be sure to check out our Books and Programs page.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you. Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.