Michael is a successful business owner who came to coaching because he felt he was doing something wrong, even though his business was doing well. He had a persistent underlying feeling of being a failure, even though all the evidence pointed to the contrary.
Michael began by saying that he’s always believed that “If
something is worth doing, it’s worth doing right.” When I asked, “What does ‘right’ mean?” he said it means that
everything has to be perfect.
Always! All the time!
It turned out that Michael came from a family in which his
parents’ standards were beyond reach and reason. They were never satisfied with anything he did. If his school grades were all A’s and an A
minus, the focus was immediately on why there was a minus. If he missed a catch in football, his father
would yell, embarrass him in front of his team, and make him practice for
hours. When he was young Michael was
always in a no-win situation where nothing he did was ever good enough.
Consequently, Michael now sees mistakes as evidence that he
is incompetent and unworthy, and feels that only perfection will gain him the
love, respect, approval and acceptance he so badly wants. As a result he drives himself to exhaustion
and still doesn’t feel the sense of success and fulfillment he craves.
The reality is that there is no such thing as
perfection. We are all human, with
strengths and weaknesses. Nobody is
excellent at everything, and trying to be perfect can be emotionally, mentally
and physically exhausting. Ironically,
striving for perfection is often a set up for failure.
Michael believed that the only way he could be successful
was to be a perfectionist. However,
when we compared perfectionists with healthy achievers, he saw that achievers
accomplish just as much as perfectionists, and also avoid many of the negatives
that he was experiencing.
Perfectionist or Achiever
Some of the differences between perfectionists and healthy
achievers are:
·
Perfectionists see mistakes as evidence of
unworthiness, while achievers see mistakes as opportunities for learning and
growth.
·
Perfectionists feel they are only valuable and loveable
if they are performing perfectly, while achievers know that their value as a
human being is not measured by how perfectly they perform.
·
Perfectionists are often preoccupied with fear of
failure and disapproval (which can cause procrastination, not finishing a
project, and constant self-devaluation) while achievers feel normal anxiety but
don’t let it turn into fear.
·
Perfectionists never allow others to see that they
don’t know something, while achievers happily admit they have much to learn and
are open to learning from others.
·
Perfectionists often become overly defensive when
criticized, while achievers appreciate helpful, constructive criticism.
·
Perfectionists set unreasonable standards while
achievers set standards that are high, but achievable.
·
Perfectionists focus only on the goal and are never
satisfied by anything less than perfection, while achievers enjoy the process
as well as the outcome.
What You Can Do
Once Michael became aware of how his perfectionism was
depleting his energy, causing him to feel depressed and interfering with his
relationships, he decided it was time to make some changes in how he approached
his life. He began by:
Ø Making
a list of the benefits and consequences of trying to be perfect. He realized that although his business was
successful, relationship problems, low self-esteem, compulsive behaviors,
anxiety, feelings of inadequacy, depression, and workaholism were also the
results of his perfectionism.
Ø Listing
all the things he likes about himself, and realizing that he has much value as
a human being, even when he isn’t producing a perfect result. He realized that he is loveable because of who
he is, not only because of what he does.
Ø He
began to be more realistic about what he can and cannot do. Instead of setting unreasonable goals and
then beating himself up because he doesn’t achieve them, he set more realistic
goals, which he can achieve and be proud of.
Ø He
changed his view of criticism, to see that it is usually not a personal attack,
and therefore does not have to be met with defensiveness. His focus now is to take criticism
objectively and appreciate the lesson.
He also realized that criticism isn’t about his value as a human being,
and that someone can objectively criticize something he’s done and still accept
and respect him.
Ø He
realized that if he stops making mistakes he will stop learning and growing, so
he changed his definition of mistake from ‘failure’ to ‘growth opportunity’.
Michael is now allowing himself to experience the joy of
achieving without negatively judging everything he sees as imperfect. He is also being more supportive and less
demanding in his relationships with others.
He has been surprised to see that others actually like and respect him
more now that he is not so driven, and he feels happier and more fulfilled in
every area of his life.
If you are a perfectionist, you may want to ask yourself
what toll it’s taking on you, and if being an achiever might actually help you
accomplish more and feel better about it.
It’s something to think about.
Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and
experience
For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the
Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach
website. Also be sure to check out our
Books page.
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and begin to create the life of your dreams.
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and an amazing hypnotherapy session to strengthen your belief in yourself.
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