Are You Plugged In and Tuned Out?

Last week a friend and I were at a restaurant having lunch, and I noticed the three people at the table next to ours.  One was checking his email, another was talking on her phone, and the third was looking incredibly bored as his table mates gave all their attention to their electronic devices.

After this experience I began to notice how our electronics seem to have replaced human interaction.  It’s now common to see several people walking down the street together, but totally ignoring each other as they listen to their music or talk on their phones.  In meetings people often spend the entire time checking email or texting rather than paying attention to the speaker.  In many personal and business interactions, email has replaced a phone call.  We seem to be sending information, but are we really connecting with each other?

Human beings build relationships by developing and nurturing caring, trust and connection.  That doesn’t happen when we are focused on inanimate objects instead of each other.

Technology is amazing, and is incredibly valuable in many instances.  However, I still believe that when I’m with someone at a meal, walking down the street, or in a meeting, they deserve my undivided attention.  Presumably the reason we are together is to connect in some way, for some purpose.  So we need to do that by looking each other in the eye and paying attention.

I would also appreciate the same courtesy from others.  Hopefully they feel that whatever we’re doing together is important in some way, and will give it, and me, that respect.

So, this month I’m reflecting on the importance of really connecting with the people in my life.  Making sure that when we are together they get my undivided attention.  The technology will still be there when we part.

How about you?

Please comment so others may benefit from your wisdom and experience.

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website.  Also be sure to check out our Books page.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you.  Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.

If you would like to feel more confident and believe in yourself, check out The Confidence Pack, which contains several powerful worksheets to guide you and an amazing hypnotherapy session to strengthen your belief in yourself. 

How Do You Work?

Susan was so frustrated with her new office manager Jim, she was ready to fire him!  She said his habit of waiting until the last minute to begin jobs was driving her crazy. Whenever there was a project with a deadline, Jim didn’t even begin to work on it until the last minute.  Somehow he usually managed to get the job done, but it was always in crisis mode, with a huge burst of energy and stress.

Also, the one-time tasks that didn’t have a deadline, such as cleaning out the supply closet, never got done.

Susan is the kind of person who likes to tackle a job as soon as she learns about it.  She immediately sets out a work schedule, and is able to pace herself throughout the project, so that she eases up to the deadline with everything in order.

It’s no wonder that Jim’s deadline-driven style drove her crazy.

Unfortunately, Susan took Jim’s behavior personally and thought it was designed to irritate her.  It became a power and control issue between them.  She would speak sarcastically to Jim or nag him about how the project was coming, and he would become defensive and work even slower.  Obviously, this was unproductive for them both.

As we talked, Susan realized that people have different styles of functioning.  Once she understood that Jim was just doing things the way that worked best for him, she could acknowledge that he worked more efficiently when his deadline was near.  She admitted that he always managed to finish the project on time, and that the stress was her own because she mistakenly thought that Jim’s high energy rushing around was an indication that the project was out of control.

Once she realized it wasn’t personal and that Jim did know what he was doing, she could let go of the power struggle and talk with Jim about their different work styles.

Together they worked out a way that met both of their needs:

·        Jim agreed that when given a project, he would let Susan know that he understood the job, goal and completion date.  He would share with her the steps he would take to complete the project, reassuring Susan that he knew what was expected of him and by when.

·        He would then take some action each week to move the project forward, and check in with Susan on Friday at 3:00 to let her know where he was in the process.

·        For projects with no deadline, they decided to create one.  For example, they agreed that the supply cabinet would be cleaned by the last day of the month.  They also agreed that it was OK for Susan to occasionally check in with Jim on how the project was coming along, as long as she didn’t nag or try to take control.

This method worked for both of them, because it supported each of their working styles.  It made Jim responsible and gave him the freedom to work at his own pace without Susan looking over his shoulder, and provided him with accountability at their Friday meetings. It also provided Susan with the reassurance that Jim was aware of the project and making progress, so she didn’t feel that she needed to be on top of it every day.

Just like Susan and Jim, most of us have a style of approaching and tackling a project, a style that works best for us and fits the person we are.  If you are functioning in a group, team, or family, it helps to understand your own style and those of the people in your office or home.

Once you understand the different styles and discuss them, you can let go of any emotion attached to the situation and create an action plan that meets everyone’s needs. 

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website.  Also be sure to check out our Books page.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you.  Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.

If you would like to feel more confident and believe in yourself, check out The Confidence Pack, which contains several powerful worksheets to guide you and an amazing hypnotherapy session to strengthen your belief in yourself.

How Are You Honest?

Jill was demoralized and confused.  She said that her boyfriend, Dave, often said hurtful things to her, and when she called him on it he responded by saying, “Well, you want me to be honest, don’t you?”

Jill said that when they began their relationship they agreed to be honest with each other. She wanted to do that to insure there would be no big secrets that got in the way.  Because of this agreement she was confused about her reaction when Dave was ‘honest’.

I asked her for an example of his comments.  She said he often made hurtful remarks about how she looked or dressed, saying, “I can’t believe you’re going to wear that”, or “Your hair is so awful, can’t you do something with it?”  When she got upset he’d say, “I’m just telling you the truth. Isn’t that what we agreed to do?”

Jill and I spent some time looking at the fact that defining what is true often involves individual perception, and that there are as many different perceptions as there are people.  The way Dave perceived things and the way Jill did were often different, so when he was ‘being honest’ he was really stating things from his perspective, with which she might or might not agree.

We then looked at the difference between Total Honesty and Brutal Honesty.  The most important thing in being honest is the intent.  When someone is Totally Honest with you, their intent will be loving and respectful, and they will phrase things in a tactful, gentle and supportive way.

If Dave’s intention was to be caring and supportive, he could have easily said, “Since the invitation said ‘formal wear’ I’m wondering if a different dress might be more appropriate for this occasion.” Or, “You have such a lovely face, and that hairstyle hides it.”

When someone is Brutally Honest, the intent is to assert power and use ‘honesty’ as a weapon to gain control.  Brutal Honesty is cruel, disrespectful, hurtful and destructive.

Dave was being Brutally Honest, which was abusive, and Jill’s reactions to his comments were appropriate.  She felt attacked, yet wasn’t able to defend against his assertion that he was ‘just being honest.’

Once Jill understood that she wanted honesty that was supportive and loving, she decided to no longer let Dave’s assertion that he was just “being honest” justify his hurtful comments.  She made the decision to talk with him about being supportive instead of abusive. His response to this conversation would tell her a lot about the future of their relationship.

So, I’m wondering how you and the people around you are honest.  Are you supportive and respectful, or hurtful and cruel?

It’s something to think about.

 Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website.  Also be sure to check out our Books page.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you.  Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.

If you would like to feel more confident and believe in yourself, check out The Confidence Pack, which contains several powerful worksheets to guide you and an amazing hypnotherapy session to strengthen your belief in yourself. 

How Perfect Can You Be?

Michael is a successful business owner who came to coaching because he felt he was doing something wrong, even though his business was doing well.  He had a persistent underlying feeling of being a failure, even though all the evidence pointed to the contrary.

Michael began by saying that he’s always believed that “If something is worth doing, it’s worth doing right.”  When I asked, “What does ‘right’ mean?” he said it means that everything has to be perfect.  Always!  All the time!

It turned out that Michael came from a family in which his parents’ standards were beyond reach and reason.  They were never satisfied with anything he did.  If his school grades were all A’s and an A minus, the focus was immediately on why there was a minus.  If he missed a catch in football, his father would yell, embarrass him in front of his team, and make him practice for hours.  When he was young Michael was always in a no-win situation where nothing he did was ever good enough.

Consequently, Michael now sees mistakes as evidence that he is incompetent and unworthy, and feels that only perfection will gain him the love, respect, approval and acceptance he so badly wants.  As a result he drives himself to exhaustion and still doesn’t feel the sense of success and fulfillment he craves.

The reality is that there is no such thing as perfection.  We are all human, with strengths and weaknesses.  Nobody is excellent at everything, and trying to be perfect can be emotionally, mentally and physically exhausting.  Ironically, striving for perfection is often a set up for failure.

Michael believed that the only way he could be successful was to be a perfectionist.  However, when we compared perfectionists with healthy achievers, he saw that achievers accomplish just as much as perfectionists, and also avoid many of the negatives that he was experiencing. 

Perfectionist or Achiever 

Some of the differences between perfectionists and healthy achievers are:

·        Perfectionists see mistakes as evidence of unworthiness, while achievers see mistakes as opportunities for learning and growth.

·        Perfectionists feel they are only valuable and loveable if they are performing perfectly, while achievers know that their value as a human being is not measured by how perfectly they perform.

·        Perfectionists are often preoccupied with fear of failure and disapproval (which can cause procrastination, not finishing a project, and constant self-devaluation) while achievers feel normal anxiety but don’t let it turn into fear.

·        Perfectionists never allow others to see that they don’t know something, while achievers happily admit they have much to learn and are open to learning from others.

·        Perfectionists often become overly defensive when criticized, while achievers appreciate helpful, constructive criticism.

·        Perfectionists set unreasonable standards while achievers set standards that are high, but achievable.

·        Perfectionists focus only on the goal and are never satisfied by anything less than perfection, while achievers enjoy the process as well as the outcome. 

What You Can Do 

Once Michael became aware of how his perfectionism was depleting his energy, causing him to feel depressed and interfering with his relationships, he decided it was time to make some changes in how he approached his life.  He began by:

Ø     Making a list of the benefits and consequences of trying to be perfect.  He realized that although his business was successful, relationship problems, low self-esteem, compulsive behaviors, anxiety, feelings of inadequacy, depression, and workaholism were also the results of his perfectionism.

Ø     Listing all the things he likes about himself, and realizing that he has much value as a human being, even when he isn’t producing a perfect result.  He realized that he is loveable because of who he is, not only because of what he does.

Ø     He began to be more realistic about what he can and cannot do.  Instead of setting unreasonable goals and then beating himself up because he doesn’t achieve them, he set more realistic goals, which he can achieve and be proud of.

Ø     He changed his view of criticism, to see that it is usually not a personal attack, and therefore does not have to be met with defensiveness.  His focus now is to take criticism objectively and appreciate the lesson.  He also realized that criticism isn’t about his value as a human being, and that someone can objectively criticize something he’s done and still accept and respect him.

Ø     He realized that if he stops making mistakes he will stop learning and growing, so he changed his definition of mistake from ‘failure’ to ‘growth opportunity’.

Michael is now allowing himself to experience the joy of achieving without negatively judging everything he sees as imperfect.  He is also being more supportive and less demanding in his relationships with others.  He has been surprised to see that others actually like and respect him more now that he is not so driven, and he feels happier and more fulfilled in every area of his life.

If you are a perfectionist, you may want to ask yourself what toll it’s taking on you, and if being an achiever might actually help you accomplish more and feel better about it.

It’s something to think about.

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website.  Also be sure to check out our Books page.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you.  Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.

If you would like to feel more confident and believe in yourself, check out The Confidence Pack, which contains several powerful worksheets to guide you and an amazing hypnotherapy session to strengthen your belief in yourself. 

How Do You Ask?

Julie was frustrated.  She was trying to get information from her employees, but they weren’t giving her the answers she was looking for.  She thought they weren’t listening to her.  However, as we talked it became apparent that she also had this trouble in her personal life, when she communicated with her husband, children and friends.

As we explored the situation it became apparent that the problem was in the way Julie asked questions. Instead of asking what she wanted to know and letting the other person give her an answer, she often asked the question with the answer imbedded in it.  She turned a statement into a question, and the listener ended up confused about what she wanted to know.  For example, she would say, “The report is finished, right?” when she really wanted to know the complete status of the report.  When she asked questions this way she made assumptions that might not be correct, and set herself up to be wrong (the listener could either validate what she said – “Yes, it is completed”, or worse, “No, it’s not ready yet.”)

This method of questioning also invalidates the person she is talking with and assumes Julie has to give them the answer.

Julie realized that in order to obtain the information she wanted she had to ask the question correctly.  Together we spent time looking at the different ways to ask questions.  Some of the most common of these are:

·        Yes/No Questions, which can be answered with a single word, “Yes” or “No”.  “Is the report finished?” is a typical yes/no question.

·        Factual/Informational Questions, which look for more than just yes or no, but usually have a single, simple answer.  “When will the report be finished?” is an example of an Factual/Informational question.  You gain new information, but in a very narrow framework.

·        Opinion Questions, which have no right or wrong answers.  Ask this type of question when you want to know what a person thinks or feels about a subject.  “What do you think about the report?” is a typical Opinion Question.

·        Open-Ended Questions, which usually start with “What”, “How” or “Please Tell me ”.  Asking an open-ended question will get you the most information, and may open new avenues of discussion. .  An example of an open-ended question is, “Will you please tell me about the report and how it’s coming along?”

Julie realized that an Open-Ended question is what she needed to ask in order to get the complete status of the report and to learn what was going on with it.

Julie realized that she often asked closed, informational questions when she really wanted more information.  She now understands that in order to ask the appropriate question she has to know what type of information she wants before ever opening her mouth.  If she wants a “Yes” or “No”, a simple date or place, or an opinion, she will ask informational questions.  However, when she wants an overview, she will phrase her question in an open-ended way designed to elicit more information.

Julie experimented with asking more open-ended questions and was happily surprised to find her communication with her employees, family and friends was flowing better and she was getting the information she wanted.

So, how do you ask questions?  Are people confused about how to respond, or are you clear about what you really want to know?

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you.  Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.

If you would like to feel more confident and believe in yourself, check out The Confidence Pack, which contains several powerful worksheets to guide you and an amazing hypnotherapy session to strengthen your belief in yourself. 

Are You Congruent?

At a meeting last week I met a man who introduced himself as a personal trainer and health coach.  He seemed quite knowledgeable about his field, but later, at the break, he went outside to smoke a cigarette! He was also quite overweight.  These two things surprised me, since he claimed his focus was on creating healthy bodies and life styles.  It made me wonder how effective he could be with his clients if he is asking them to do something he can’t do. It started me thinking about congruency.

Being congruent means living your life so that your words, values and behavior all align.  You live your values and do what you say. I think the old phrases are “walk the talk:” or “practice what you preach.” In the case of this man, I was confused about how he could coach people to live a healthy lifestyle, and then deliberately do something unhealthy to himself.  He obviously wasn’t living a congruent life, and my response to this was to distrust him and his ability.

When I became a business and personal coach, my first job was to coach myself so I could be congruent as I worked with my clients.  I focused on always being responsible, honest and trustworthy, following through, cleaning up things I am tolerating in my life, and valuing the person I am.  If I were going to ask my clients to do this, then I had to do it first.  It’s something I continue to do, every day.

So, this month I’m reflecting on the importance of being congruent.

How about you?

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you.  Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.

Don't Say Don't!

Last week I was leaving a friend’s house and she said, “Don’t forget to pick up the decorations for the party.”  I was already planning on getting the decorations, but also appreciated the reminder.  What struck me was that instead of telling me what she wanted me to do, which was, “Remember to pick up the decorations….”, she phrased it in the negative.

I started paying attention to how people talk, and realized that this way of phrasing requests is common.  Parents often warn their children, “Don’t go in the street,” or “Don’t forget to do your homework.”  What they are really saying is, “Stay on the sidewalk,” or, “Do your homework before dinner.”

Sometimes the subconscious mind doesn’t hear all the words, and can easily miss the “don’t” in the above sentences.  So what I might hear is you suggesting that I, “Forget to pick up the decorations,” or you telling your child to, “Play in the street.”  Even the title of this article should be, ‘Avoid Saying Don’t.’

So this month I’m reflecting on the importance of looking at things from a positive perspective.  How I phrase requests is just another way to do that.  Now I’m more aware, so when I have a suggestion for someone, I will think about what I WANT rather than what I don’t want, and say it that way.

How about you?

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you.  Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.