Are You Conflict Avoidant?

Hi,

Today I’d like to tell you about my friend Jim, who is the owner of a small, successful printing shop.  He has five employees who usually get along well with each other.  However, recently two of his staff members began bickering.  Understandably, this interfered with the productivity and positive feel of his business.  Jim let the situation go on too long, allowing it to become toxic and spread to the rest of his employees.

This unpleasant situation continued because Jim was conflict avoidant, which means he was uncomfortable dealing with any kind of confrontation, so he stayed away from it, and the result was it just got worse.

There are many reasons why people are conflict avoidant, and it’s not always a bad thing. At times avoiding conflict can be an effective short-term strategy.  Conflict avoidance can be used to buy time, gather more information on an issue, or let emotions simmer down.  It can also be used if the issue is unimportant to you, it’s not your business, or you don’t have any authority or responsibility in the matter. 

However, if this coping strategy is used too long or too often, being conflict avoidant can allow a situation to escalate and become heated and destructive.  It can also make it so your needs don’t get met, others take advantage of you, and you become angry and resentful.

Jim told me he was raised in a family where conflict was seen as bad, and meant that people didn’t love, like or care about each other.  He was taught to keep the peace at all costs and “not rock the boat”.  Because of this attitude, things in his family were never dealt with.

Some of the ways he learned to deal with potential conflict were: to ignore the situation in the hope it would go away; change the subject; put off the discussion; or just not bring it up.  He learned to take no risks, say nothing, and stay uninvolved.

When Jim was a child, conflict avoidance often worked, although he seldom got his needs met.  But now, as the boss, it’s no longer an option.  The situation in his shop was escalating, he needed to do something about it, and he was at a loss about how to start.

One of the first steps for Jim was to realize that conflict doesn’t have to become a huge drama, nor does it mean the end of a relationship.

He also needed to learn that dealing with issues as they arise can be positive, because once addressed, it stops them from becoming a bigger problem.

In order to deal with conflict, Jim learned to:

·        Emotionally detach and remain calm

·        Listen to all sides

·        Use empathy and listen to each party

·        Ask for clarification if he doesn’t understand, and to confirm he’s hearing what’s being said

·        Validate what he hears by paraphrasing what others say

·        Look at the facts and the goal

·        Communicate clearly and briefly

·        Help everyone participate in joint problem solving and focus on finding a win-win solution

·        Help people identify creative and workable solutions

·        Focus on solutions instead of complaints

·        Support all parties in being assertive, which means they communicate their own needs while treating everyone else with dignity and respect

Jim decided to meet with his two staff members to help them work out their differences.  He used several of his new skills, and was delighted to see how his employees participated in the discussion, shared their feelings, and collaborated to solve the problem.  He realized that the act of hearing, acknowledging and empowering each of them was a big part in resolving the conflict.

Now when things begin to become tense at work, or even with his family and friends, Jim is able to address the situation in a calm, nonjudgmental way.  He has learned that conflict is a normal part of any relationship, and that the sooner he acknowledges and deals with it, the more harmonious and efficient his world will be.

So I’m wondering how you handle conflict in your life.

If conflict avoidance is causing you problems and stress, there are many things you can do about it.  The first might be to connect with Sandy for a FREE Coaching Call.

Just email her at Sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put FREE CALL in the Subject line.  She will get back to you soon to schedule a time to talk, so you can jump-start creating the life of your dreams.

Sandra Abell is a best selling author, speaker, Licensed Counselor, and life and business coach. She is the author of the best selling books, FeelingGood About You and Moving Up To Management, and is the creator of the amazing Feeling Good About You Breakthrough program. You can visit Sandy on her website at www.insidejobscoach.com.