Positive Vibes -- Expectations

John: William James said that “human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind. And lately, mine have been the type of lowered expectations. I am no longer saying all these mantras every day, or thinking that if I just put it out to the Universe, that it will manifest itself with the law of attraction to me. I am not a brand, a sexy influencer, and I am certainly no longer the “Cat that gets things done.” That’s repulsive now actually. What I am is the new me, which is back to the old me – quiet, reserved, unassuming, hard working and doing what I want to do with whom I want to do it. I am still making lists, but these lists are the things I need to get done today, immediately, and if I don’t do them all, I no longer see myself as a miserable failure, nor will I compare myself to you or think I am better than you because I can do 2,000,000 more things than you. That’s dumb. My whole life I have been an overachieving, Type A perfectionist. The sort of person who obsessively stresses about getting work in on time, yet also compulsively turns in assignments a week ahead of their due date. While my discipline and work ethic are certainly qualities I’ve come to appreciate, they haven’t always served me well. My relentless drive toward perfectionism and often mile-high expectations have actually held me back from doing many of the things I’ve wanted to do. And now, what I want to do is work, write, yoga, pushups, Strat, be alone, do what I want to the best of my ability. I don’t want to go to Boston, participate in career coaching, redo my resume with an expensive package, post a motivating meme here to implore someone to take action. Don’t care.

My expectations are horrifyingly lowered. And now, thinking about it, lower expectations initially run counter-intuitive to everything I believe about getting better. My mom used to say, no blood, no sympathy and I felt the same about self-improvement. If I wasn’t bleeding, I obviously was not trying hard enough. Again, dumb. According to science, however, low expectations might be the secret to success when it comes to creating positive change and building healthy habits. This often and unfortunately gets in the way of real self-improvement when we overestimate things like how quickly and easily we can enact change, or how much change we’re capable of.

When we set our expectations high and then can’t quite reach them, it feels like we’ve failed, discouragement sets in, and we tend to give up. However, right now, this really doesn’t feel like I am lowering expectations, just breaking things down into more manageable pieces. I am not your Superman. I don’t want to be your Superman. I don’t want to be MY Superman. I still want to do curls though. Because good looking arms are SWEET. Don’t judge. Or do. Again, don’t care.

If you’re feeling frustrated about all the things you’re not doing—especially big, time-consuming activities—ask yourself if you really want to do this or just think you should. If it is something you want, try lowering your expectations of yourself and doing only what feels manageable, and see if that helps you get going. Like me, you may find that taking the pressure off makes it a lot easier to get and stay motivated. Now, let me turn it over to Sandy, so I can go do, well, whatever I want to do.

Sandy:  Hey John.  I love the way your mind works!  You’re always thinking fun things, and it sounds like you are rediscovering the person you really are.  This is wonderful!  As you can imagine, I have a lot of thoughts about your post.

First of all, striving for perfection is a recipe for disaster, because there really is no such thing as perfect.  Yes, you can do things ‘right’, and feel pleased with the result, but you can also feel pleased to have things done even if they’re not ‘perfect’.  I believe that there are a few really important things that have to be done as correctly as possible, (brain surgery, for example), but in the overall scheme of life, the majority of things don’t need to be 100%, all the time.  It’s important to triage, do 100% on the big things, and then give yourself a break on the others.

I also don’t use the word ‘fail’.  Every time something doesn’t work the way I expected or hoped it would, there is an opportunity to learn.  I feel that a learning opportunity is a success, not a failure.

Instead of saying your expectations are “horrifyingly low”, I’d say they are healthy.  There again, have the high expectations for the few major things where the outcome is hugely important, and then back off and enjoy the rest without beating yourself up about it all.  That is a much healthier way to go.

I think what your mother was saying about “no blood, no sympathy”, is that it’s not necessary to whine or complain about every bump or scrape.  However, if you have a big need (blood indicates a bigger problem), then it’s OK to bring it to people’s attention.  There again, we’re talking about triaging the situation and deciding how big a deal it is.

You’re definitely not lowering your expectations!  It sounds to me like you’re getting realistic about them.  A few things you can really go for, but most you don’t have to do it full tilt.  Re-evaluating and choosing your response is healthy.

You used the word ‘frustrated’, so of course I need to say again that when you feel frustrated, what you’re really feeling is powerless.  To get rid of frustration you need to find a way to gain some power and control over the situation.  Often you can do this by making different choices or shifting your attitude.  Of course, to do that you might need to look at and re-evaluate your ‘shoulds’.  I always say, “Should according to whom?”  If the answer is someone else, society, what I was taught, my family and friends, etc., I have the power to change that ‘should’ into what fits for me.

I hope you had fun doing whatever you wanted to do. :+)

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience

Sandy is now offering a FREE Coaching Call, so you can see what Coaching is all about.  Please email her at Sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put FREE Call in the Subject Line.  She will get right back to you to schedule your call.

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website.  Also be sure to check out our Books and Programs page.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you.  Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.

If you would like to feel more confident and believe in yourself, check out The Confidence Pack, which contains several powerful worksheets to guide you and an amazing hypnotherapy session to strengthen your belief in yourself. 

Positive Vibes - Virtual Life

John: It has been a crazy week. Kelly got diagnosed with a bacterial infection last week and between work and spending the time with her, well, it’s really all I have time for. But that’s not what made it crazy. What’s made it crazy is all these messages I have received from people saying “where are you? Where are you? You’re not online. You are not responding.” No, I’m not. And you know why? It’s because I am tending to things and living my life, doing the things that really matter.

What happened to the time where you can step back, do what you need to do and not get besieged by people wondering what happened? I remember a time where you could call someone, you would leave a message and then you would wait to call back. If they didn’t get back to you, it was because they either got busy and forgot, or it was because they didn’t want to talk, or had other things going on.

To me, relationships are a game of tennis. You hit the ball over the net and then you WAIT until the person hits it back to you, but over the last couple weeks, I am feeling like the automatic ball return is on and blasting balls at me and I can’t return them all. And I don’t want to return them all. I can’t return them all.

Sandy, there really is something to this. What I am learning is that the virtual life is not my life. My life are the people that I interact with in person every day, that the false “influence” and social media super moguls and messaging is not all it is cracked up to be.

It’s draining. Okay, I know there is research out there that indicates that online relationships affect people similarly to real-life relationships. This goes for romantic relationships and friendships too. I agree that both involve a similar hit of dopamine, but for me, real-life beats virtual every time. Online relationships and personas are not success. Neither is a giant house. Or a six pack abs or fancy clothes. Success means putting in the hours, shutting down that dessert, waking up for the gym, not hitting the snooze button, making personal connections, practicing over and over, and doing one thing every day that moves you forward, whether you feel like doing it or not.

Success is what you did to make those things happen. And more than that, success is what you did to make those things happen, even if they didn’t actually happen. Success is not networking to find the hidden job market. It is putting in the work at the things that are important to you. It’s an, well, its an INSIDE job, isn’t it?

Sandy: Wow John, you have a lot going on here!  First of all, I’m so sorry Kelly has this health challenge, and hope she will be feeling better soon.  It’s wonderful that she is your major priority (as she should be in a good relationship), and that you are spending your time and thoughts on her right now.

There are many positives about technology, but also many negatives.  I believe that technology is useful for exchanging information and staying in touch about many things. 

However, it’s become such a huge part of some people’s lives that they think connecting with others through it makes a relationship.  I’m afraid we’ve lost the definition of what a true relationship is.  Obviously there are all kinds of relationships. We have some kind of relationship with the folks we work with, the clerk at the store, our friends and acquaintances, our family, neighbors, and all kinds of other folks.  There are as many kinds and levels of relationships as there are people and situations.

Unfortunately, many people think that because they connect with someone through technology they have a relationship, the definition and depth of which is open to each person’s interpretation.  One person might think because you email with them you are “close”, yet you see it exchanging information with someone you know, but with no emotional involvement.

I remember the olden days when I was young and dinosaurs roamed the earth.  We had one phone, attached to the wall, in one room of our house.  If we had a conversation on that phone everyone else could hear it.

To connect with people we went out into the world, and were able to form relationships by actually being with people, looking into their eyes, hearing their tone of voice, reading their body language, and relating in person.  This is how we formed strong, long-lasting relationships.

Also, is those days when we left work we were off work!  We had free time to do whatever you wanted to, without being interrupted by, or having to answer to, random people at all times.

Yes, having to be available all the time is exhausting and intrusive. Technology has made it so people expect us to be available 24/7, and when we aren’t they get angry and feel slighted.  They forget that it’s not about them.  We each have the choice whether to be available or not, and it has nothing to do with the people in your virtual world.  We all need time to be left alone.

I agree that relationships are like a game of tennis.  You hit the ball over the net and someone hits it back.  They might do it immediately, later on, or never.  That lets you know what level of relationship you have.

I have trouble with the concept that online relationships affect people the same as in person relationships do.  I’ve seen research that shows that always being technologically connected actually separates us from real-life relationships and leaves people feeling empty.

I also completely agree that success isn’t about the stuff.  True success is definitely an inside job.  It comes from having positive self-esteem, believing that you are a loveable, valuable, capable, competent person.  Always treating yourself with respect and expecting others to do the same.

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience

Sandy is now offering a FREE Coaching Call, so you can see what Coaching is all about.  Please email her at Sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put FREE Call in the Subject Line.  She will get right back to you to schedule your call.

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website.  Also be sure to check out our Books and Programs page.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you.  Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.

If you would like to feel more confident and believe in yourself, check out The Confidence Pack, which contains several powerful worksheets to guide you and an amazing hypnotherapy session to strengthen your belief in yourself.

Positive Vibes -- Blast From the Past

John: As human beings, we tend to look back at things with rose-colored glasses. The farther we get from the memory, the better it was. The hard thing to remember is, what happened in the past, does not equal the present. I got hit by a blast from the past recently, where someone who I hadn’t talked to in a very long time, strolled back in. The more I talked to them though, the more I thought about “Garth Brooks, Unanswered Prayers – “We tried to talk about the old days, there wasn’t much we could recall. Guess the Lord knows what he is doing after all. As they walked away, I looked at my wife and then and there I thank the good Lord for the gifts in my life….just because he does not answer, doesn’t mean he don’t care, some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.” But for me, my prayers luckily got answered. I was gifted Kelly and I was gifted Nicole. Both of them hold a very significant place in my life and in my heart and both leave me totally fulfilled, albeit in very different ways, but both are amazingly important. They are both significant and I will not tolerate disrespect to either of them.

Sandy, maybe it is me, but I don’t like looking back at the past. There is a reason that people have left. If people come back, it is important to remember why people left in the first place, however the relationship ended. And It does not have to have ended badly, but generally for me, going backwards is a losing proposition. What are your thoughts on this? Is it generally a bad thing to go backwards, or have you left people from your past back in and you are more fulfilled when they come back?

Sandy:  Hi John, I love this topic, and I really love Garth’s song.  It’s so powerful and true.

I believe that people are in our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.  This makes sense to me.  I’ve had many relationships that were wonderful, and then for some reason they were not.  There wasn’t a huge fight or breakup.  It just seemed that whatever we had come together for had been accomplished, and it was time to move on.  Maybe one of us had changed, the situation shifted (we were friends at work and somebody left the company), or we just no longer had anything in common.

However, I’ve learned that I am better for every significant relationship I’ve experienced.  There was always something to learn, and often it was a great growth opportunity so I could be even better for the new relationships that are still coming into my life.

So what I do is look at what was, find the takeaways, mentally thank them for our time together, and let it go.  I also, like you with Kelly and Nicole, continue to cherish the few people (my husband Gene and our children and grandchildren) who are with me for a lifetime.

Dwelling on the past, once you’ve learned the lesson, keeps you stuck so you can’t move ahead.  Since I hate to be stuck, I find the positive and keep moving forward.

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience.

Sandy is now offering a FREE Coaching Call, so you can see what Coaching is all about.  Please email her at Sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put FREE Call in the Subject Line.  She will get right back to you to schedule your call.

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website.  Also be sure to check out our Books and Programs page.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you.  Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.

If you would like to feel more confident and believe in yourself, check out The Confidence Pack, which contains several powerful worksheets to guide you and an amazing hypnotherapy session to strengthen your belief in yourself. 

Positive Vibes - High Performance or High Character

We continue our Positive Vibes discussion with John Nocero from Duke University.

John: I read on the HCCA blog about Kasey Ingram, the General Counsel and Chief Compliance Officer of ISK Americas, who learned compliance at the bottom of the ocean as an officer aboard a nuclear ballistic submarine. During his orientation at the Naval Academy, a commander told him and the other new Midshipmen “Just because you’re a high performer doesn’t mean you have high character.”  It was an admonition he never forgot and it has shaped his career since.

            To me, it is about living with your core principles first – what is my purpose? What vision do I want to project and am I doing that every day? That’s important to me. I have worked with people on both ends of the spectrum – high performers with high and low character and I will take high character every day. I call low character someone who berates others or is verbally abusive. Drunk with power. You may see people who are shady. Neither are components of high character. So strive for both. When I focus on improving myself, everything in my world gets better. But if I focus on improving professionally, it does not make me a better person. Being a better professional? Sure. That’s nice. Being a better person? That takes minerals.

            What do you think Sandy? Do you want high performance, high character or both? And why?

Sandy: Hi John.  Interesting topic.

I agree that high character is by far the most important thing. Most people in our culture agree that being honest, trustworthy, loyal, reliable, responsible, thoughtful, and a person of integrity are what it’s about.

However, there are as many definitions of “high character” as there are people. We’re talking about your personal value system, which we each were taught by the people who raised us when we were young.  If you come from a family that taught you it’s OK to lie, cheat or steal to get what you want, your values are different than those who came from a place of honesty and integrity.

In some cultures it’s acceptable to lie or use bribery to get what you want in business, or to manipulate circumstances in your favor.  In those situations the focus is on high performance above all, so high character suffers.

I like to think that high character will result in high performance, but unfortunately it’s not always the case.  Sometimes the shady character wins, at least in the short term.

However, if at all possible I choose to avoid those folks and surround myself with people who have the same values I do.  In my world my values are most important.  I have to be able to live a life of integrity, treat others as I want to be treated, and be able to sleep well at night.

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience

Sandy is now offering a FREE Coaching Call, so you can see what Coaching is all about.  Please email her at Sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put FREE Call in the Subject Line.  She will get right back to you to schedule your call.

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website.  Also be sure to check out our Books and Programs page.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you.  Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.

If you would like to feel more confident and believe in yourself, check out The Confidence Pack, which contains several powerful worksheets to guide you and an amazing hypnotherapy session to strengthen your belief in yourself

Positive Vibes -- An Inside Job

John: Sandy, I read a very interesting piece on the Simple Dollar blog, recently, titled, Seven Personal Finance Lessons from the Government Shutdown. The government shutdown is over. Government workers have returned to their jobs and back pay should be arriving soon (if it hasn’t already). Things are back to normal… for now.

 

However, it’s the “for now” part that should leave many people concerned going forward. In truth, the government shutdown has been an incredibly valuable moment for learning for all of us. It’s exposed some difficult truths about our government, but more than that, it’s also exposed the fragile nature of the financial and professional lives of many, many Americans. Hundreds of thousands of government employees and many more contractors have seen their lives thrown into chaos when they previously perceived their employment as incredibly stable.

 

This experience has provided all of us with a great opportunity to step back and look at the reality of our own financial and professional worlds. It’s pointed at a few things we should all keep in mind as we move forward.

 

My biggest takeaway was that there is nothing that is truly “stable,” much less a job, but financial readiness should be. You talk a great deal about success is an inside job – heck, isn’t that the principle that your company was founded upon, I believe – but what was your biggest lesson that you took away from the shutdown and what is your biggest piece of advice that you would tell someone who perceived something to be more stable than it actually is?

 

Think about this for a second – what many people do not do is save enough for an emergency fund if something were to happen, do you think people do enough pre-saving in case this happened to them, either financially, professional networking or other? And what would you tell people who this did happen to, how they can bounce back quickly, instead of feeling sorry for themselves? It should always be about being the victor and not the victim, no?

 

Sandy: Great topic John.  Lots of food for thought here.

 

I think we’re talking about a couple of different things.  Your first point about “nothing is truly stable”, is absolutely true, and applies to everything in life.  As I’ve said before, life is about change, and although we all love being in our cozy comfort zones, the reality is that it is temporary.  It might be long-term temporary (if there is such a term), but at some point, things will change.  People lose their jobs, the company goes out of business, somebody gets sick, the relationship ends either voluntarily or involuntarily, your house burns down, etc.  On the brighter side, positive things happen that also require changes.  You graduate and get a terrific job, your kids grow up and leave home, you move to a new location, find your perfect partner, get married, have a child, win the lottery, etc.  All of these shifts, both wanted and unwanted, require adaptation.  To work with these shifts we need to be aware they might happen and have some kind of plan on how to deal with the change.

 

Keeping that in mind, we go to your second point about saving in case the unwanted change happens.  Saving can refer to money, or making sure you have friends and/or colleagues to back you up, making sure you have enough supplies or money to meet your basic needs in case disaster strikes, etc.

 

Often when we are in a good place we’re lulled into believing it will always be that way, so we don’t put aside extra money or supplies, buy the insurance, or create an emergency plan. So when something unexpected happens we are blindsided and totally unprepared.

 

I believe that’s what happened during the Shutdown.  People assumed that the government is stable, so if they had a government job they would always be taken care of.  Following that line of thought, they didn’t see a need to prepare for the unexpected by setting aside money, food, etc.

 

The reality is that it’s up to each of us to take responsibility for where we are in our lives.  Not only emotionally, but also financially, physically, professionally, in relationships, and everywhere.  As you said, it’s about being the victor, not the victim.

 

Victims think they have no control, and refuse to claim power and responsibility for their situation, thoughts and actions.  They blame others and feel sorry for themselves, which keeps them stuck.  Victors assess the situation, make a plan and move ahead.  They also learn the lesson and take steps to insure that this particular thing won’t happen to them again.

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience.

Sandy is now offering a FREE Coaching Call, so you can see what Coaching is all about.  Please email her at Sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put FREE Call in the Subject Line.  She will get right back to you to schedule your call.

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website.  Also be sure to check out our Books and Programs page.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you.  Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.

If you would like to feel more confident and believe in yourself, check out The Confidence Pack, which contains several powerful worksheets to guide you and an amazing hypnotherapy session to strengthen your belief in yourself. 

Positive Vibes -- Are You an Introvert?

John: It is a Saturday afternoon around 3;30pm. It is raining here in NC. The house is quiet. My wife and dog are upstairs taking a nap. You can literally hear a pin drop in here. It is bliss. The sounds of silence. I don’t know when I got so introverted. Let me take that back – yes I do, I grew up introverted. Some of my distinct, fondest memories are of me sitting alone on the floor in my bedroom listening to the radio, or playing, or reading. I didn’t need anyone then for fulfillment. I don’t think I do even now. Which is why it was so funny for me to worry about what people thought for so many years. If you give me a radio, or a notepad, or a game of Strat, I’m good for 6-7 hours. As Susan Cain said, in her book, Quite, “solitude matters, and for some people, it’s the air they breathe.” We live in a culture that celebrates extroversion and sees introversion as a weakness or something to overcome. If you’re an introvert, you may have grown up believing there was something wrong with you. You may not even have realized there’s a word for your personality type, that 26 to 50 percent of the population falls under that umbrella, and that our brains are actually wired differently than extroverts’ brains. But they are, and that is okay.  To me, I’m never lonely. I love, love, love the time I spend alone (or just with my immediate family). It feeds my soul.

Sandy – are you introverted or extroverted and what do you tell introverts who are looking to find their place?

Sandy:  This is such a great topic John, and I can completely relate to your enjoyment of the sounds of silence, because I am also an introvert.  When I was a child they used to call me “shy”.  I didn’t know how to relate to people, and really didn’t want to because I always ended up feeling exhausted.

I now know that being either an introvert or extrovert is just fine.  What it means is that extroverts get their energy and are rejuvenated by being around people, while introverts are drained by being around lots of people, and are rejuvenated and energized by alone time.  Yes, our brains are “wired differently”, it’s how we are born, and it’s all OK.

The important thing is for each person to understand how he or she functions, and then make time to meet his or her energy needs.  If you are an extrovert you probably want to connect with people sometime during each day.  If you are an introvert you want to have as much alone time as possible to re-energize.

Of course, this doesn’t mean becoming a hermit.  Over the years I’ve learned to enjoy spending time with groups of people, but I know when it’s time for me to re-energize by taking a solitary walk or sitting and listening to music.

Introverts are usually friendly and nice people, just as extroverts are.  They might need to push themselves a bit to get out into the world, but when they do they have a good time.

Even though introverts enjoy solitude we can still be quite friendly, outgoing, energetic and have a great time with others.  I believe it’s all about finding a balance and loving and appreciating yourself just as you are.

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience.

Sandy is now offering a FREE Coaching Call, so you can see what Coaching is all about.  Please email her at Sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put FREE Call in the Subject Line.  She will get right back to you to schedule your call.

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website.  Also be sure to check out our Books and Programs page.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you.  Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.

If you would like to feel more confident and believe in yourself, check out The Confidence Pack, which contains several powerful worksheets to guide you and an amazing hypnotherapy session to strengthen your belief in yourself. 

Create Your Perfect Year

Anytime is a great time to review the past year and discover what you’ve learned.  Then to plan for the coming year and what you want to make happen in the next twelve months.  Remember that the best way to predict the future is to create it!

I’d like to suggest you take a few minutes to reflect on the following questions and then write down the answers.  They will help you make the next 12 months everything you want them to be.

What was the high point of this past year and why?

What did I learn or discover about myself?

What made me happy or fulfilled me this year?

What was my most successful project?

What disappointments did I have? What can I learn from them?

Now look at the coming year and think about:

Goals: What are the 5 most important things I want to have happen in my business in the next 12 months?

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Goals: What are the 5 most important things I want to have happen in my personal life in the next 12 months?

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Add: What do I want to have/experience more of in my life this year?

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Subtract: What do I want to remove/reduce from my life in the next 12 months?

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Shifts: What shifts will I have to make or what things/attitudes/beliefs will I have to let go of in order to achieve my goals?

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Actions: What specific things will I do to make my goals a reality?

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Support: Who are the key people to help/support me as I make this a phenomenal year, and what, specifically, do I need from them?

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Great job!  Now go do it, and have a really terrific year!

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience

Sandy is now offering a FREE Coaching Call, so you can see what Coaching is all about.  Please email her at Sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put FREE Call in the Subject Line.  She will get right back to you to schedule your call.

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website.  Also be sure to check out our Books and Programs page.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you.  Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.

If you would like to feel more confident and believe in yourself, check out The Confidence Pack, which contains several powerful worksheets to guide you and an amazing hypnotherapy session to strengthen your belief in yourself. 

Positive Vibes

Scars

Goeke talks about a zen story that goes something like this:

A Zen master was given a beautifully crafted crystal cup. It was a gift from a former student. He was very grateful. Every day, he enjoyed drinking out of his glass. He would show it to visitors and tell them about the kindness of his student. But every morning, he held the cup in his hand for a few seconds and reminded himself: “This glass is already broken.” One day, a clumsy visitor toppled the glass on its shelf. The cup fell down. When it hit the floor, it was smashed into thousands of tiny pieces.

The other visitors gasped in shock, but the Zen master remained calm. Looking at the mess in front of his feet, he said: “Ah. Yes. Let’s begin.”He picked up a broom and started sweeping.

Half of happiness is being okay with what you don’t get but the other half is being okay with losing what you have. If you are grateful for your possessions, you are ahead of most. But the man who knows they won’t last is ahead of him still. kintsugi (金継ぎ) is a a traditional Japanese art that restores broken objects with gold or silver so that the cracks are illuminated and highlighted, not hidden. By repairing the broken object, breathing new life into it, the pottery is more beautiful for having been broken… for having these precious scars. And then one day, they are gone.

Sandy, I think this is how life works. If we choose to embrace our struggles and repair ourselves with love, we too become more beautiful for having been broken. Our scars, our cracks, are what makes us resilient, builds toughness and helps us grow in ways we never imagined. And then one day, they are gone. 

John, thank you for sharing this lovely story.

Yes, I agree that since life is about change, and often the changes leave scars, it’s very important for us to adapt to the new (even when something appears to be broken), and turn it into a positive.  There is always something to learn from change, and it often opens up space for something even better (like the beautiful gold or silver in the cracks).

However, I also believe that it’s important to expect and focus on the positive.  Although I know that some day the glass might break, I choose to focus on how lovely it is now and how much I enjoy using it every day.  If that changes, I am prepared to work with it and find the gold, but I believe there is already gold in all the joy it is bringing now.

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience.

Sandy is now offering a FREE Coaching Call, so you can see what Coaching is all about.  Please email her at Sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put FREE Call in the Subject Line.  She will get right back to you to schedule your call.

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website.  Also be sure to check out our Books and Programs page.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you.  Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.

If you would like to feel more confident and believe in yourself, check out The Confidence Pack, which contains several powerful worksheets to guide you and an amazing hypnotherapy session to strengthen your belief in yourself. 

Bossy Little Girl

When I was small I always wanted to help people.  For some reason I had the ability to see the big picture, narrow it down to the bottom line, and understand what action steps needed to be taken to move ahead. (At the time I didn’t know to call it that).  So I tried to support folks in the only way I knew how, which was to tell them my thoughts and share my vision about how to do things.

As a result I was labeled “a bossy little girl”, and told that nobody would ever like me if I continued to tell people my thoughts.  They predicted that if I kept it up I’d grow up to be a ‘pushy broad’.  In those days strong women were negatively referred to as ‘pushy broads’, and were looked down on by men and women alike. I learned that little girls weren’t supposed to be directive, visionary or in control, so I stopped talking.

Now that I’m an adult I’ve realized that I wasn’t a “bossy little girl”, I was a girl with Executive Leadership Skills!  If I’d been a boy, people wouldn’t have tried to silence me.  They would have been proud and encouraged me to be strong, speak my mind and lead.

Women have come a long way since I was a child, but in some circles the old stereotypes are still in effect.  Although not as prevalent as it used to be, there is still the perception that there is something unfeminine about being a strong leader.

My husband is a wise man who thinks I’m feminine, and also likes the fact that I’m strong, have leadership qualities, and focus on empowering other women to share their vision, wisdom and connect with their inner leader.  He is proud to jokingly tell people that I “teach Pushy Broad School”, and I’m proud to do it.

So this month I’m reflecting on the importance of encouraging girls and young women to be strong, assertive, and visionary.  To tap into and use their Executive Leadership Skills, and be proud of being “a bossy girl”.

How about you?

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience

Sandy is now offering a FREE Coaching Call, so you can see what Coaching is all about.  Please email her at Sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put FREE Call in the Subject Line.  She will get right back to you to schedule your call.

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website.  Also be sure to check out our Books and Programs page.

Are You Happy?

Ben is one of my favorite clients.  We’ve worked together for six months, and during that time he’s achieved many business and personal goals.  He has the vision to know what he wants and the determination and motivation to do what it takes to get there.  As a result his life is much different than when we began working together.

However, Ben is not happy.

During our last conversation Ben shared how bewildered he is that after achieving so many of his goals he’s not as happy as he had expected to be.  This led us to a discussion of happiness, and just what it is.

Ben assumed that happiness is something you achieve. He believed that if he accomplished his goals, grew his business and acquired more money and possessions, happiness would automatically follow.

However, happiness isn’t something you GET, it’s something you MAKE.

How often have you achieved a long-term goal, expecting it to make you happy, just to find that after a short period of feeling successful or proud, you then felt empty and lost?  This is because once you achieve a goal you set another goal, and continue to want more. Many people lead an “if only” life.  They say “I’d be happy if only I had__________________.”  However, when they get that thing or achieve that goal, they’re surprised and disappointed to discover they feel the same as they always did.

It’s also about self-esteem, and the ability to love and value yourself, even if you’re not perfect.  If you appreciate the incredible human being you are, and accept yourself even with all your imperfections, you will find inner happiness that’s based on who you are internally rather than external stuff.

Happiness is about attitude and choices, NOT STUFF!

We each have the option of focusing on the positive in our life, or on the negative.  We can look at all our blessings, or choose to only see what’s lacking. Along with that comes the choice to be happy and feel blessed, or feel miserable and incomplete.

Of course, this doesn’t mean you need to do away with your dreams and goals or stop striving to improve your professional or personal situation.  It simply means you can’t be disappointed if you don’t expect the achievement of your goals to alter how you feel about your life.

Choosing to be happy is something you can do, regardless of what you have.

Once Ben understood that growing his business and having more money to buy more toys wasn’t his path to happiness, he set about finding what would enrich his life. To recognize his path to happiness he:

Wrote in a Gratitude Journal.  Ben wrote every night about the things that had delighted him that day. He was pleased to discover that his life held many things that brought him joy.  He was also surprised to note that they were the things money couldn’t buy, such as reading to his son at bedtime, enjoying the beauty of nature, or cuddling with his wife on the couch.

Looked at his values and needs to determine what was most important to him.  Ben then found ways to incorporate those things into his daily life. He realized that his values reflect his personal needs.  He understood that when he was being true to his values he was happy.  When he acted in a way that went against his values, he was miserable. (for FREE worksheets to help you identify your values and needs, go to our website at www.insidejobscoach.com and click on Resources).

Reviewed his goals to find the personal motivation behind them. For example, Ben wanted to make more money so he could buy a boat and house at the lake.  However, when he really looked at this goal he realized that the boat and lake house represented fun things for his family to do together.  What will make him happy about achieving these goals is not having the things, but what they will bring, which is quality time with his loved ones.

Gave to others.  Ben realized that he was always happy when he was giving his time and money to his community.  He noticed that when he was doing something for others he felt lighthearted and carefree, so he found ways to do this more often.

As Ben looked at each of his wants he realized that they all stemmed from just a couple of his deep personal needs.  The needs he wanted to fill were those of connection to family, friends and community.  Realizing this gave him the option to choose to be happy with what he had, and find ways to meet his needs without accumulating more stuff.

With this awareness, Ben adopted an attitude of gratitude, and his life began to turn around.

So, What About You?

Are you choosing to be happy, or to focus on all you don’t have?  What is happiness to you?  What really makes your heart sing?  What deep needs are you trying to meet?  Once you know the answers to these questions it will be easy for you to choose to be happy, every day.

It’s something to think about.

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience

Sandy is now offering a FREE Coaching Call, so you can see what Coaching is all about.  Please email her at Sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put FREE Call in the Subject Line.  She will get right back to you to schedule your call.

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website.  Also be sure to check out our Books page.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you.  Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.

If you would like to feel more confident and believe in yourself, check out The Confidence Pack, which contains several powerful worksheets to guide you and an amazing hypnotherapy session to strengthen your belief in yourself.

Are You Frustrated?

David is a middle manager in a large company.  On our last coaching call he talked about his frustration with how things at work are done and what he can and cannot do to change them.  As a middle manager he has some power to control his department, but not to change company policies he disagrees with.

After he vented, we looked at the reality of what was going on for him. David realized that feeling frustrated is a “red flag emotion” that lets him know he is feeling powerless and not in control.  “Red-flag emotions” are feelings we experience to let us know how we are reacting to our environment.  As with all “red-flag emotions”, once he acknowledges its message, David can decide what to do about it’s cause, and then let the emotion go.

Have You Felt Frustrated?

Have you ever felt frustrated with a business or personal situation? Maybe you have to wait for others to make decisions or take action, you might be trying to control uncooperative people or things, or you may be dealing with something like the weather or natural disasters, over which nobody has control.

In all of these instances frustration is a signal that you are feeling a loss of personal power. It's an indication that you feel blocked in some way and are not in control of what's happening to you.  Feeling this way for very long can decrease your self-confidence, cause stress resulting in unhealthy consequences, and diminish your sense of being a capable, competent person.  Since you probably don’t want to experience these things, the thing to do when you feel frustrated is to find a way to regain control and feel powerful. 

Choices

David realized that in frustrating situations he has two choices:

            1) If it’s a situation over which he has control, he can take action and impact it in some way. 

2) If it's a situation over which he has no power, he can choose to let go of his need for control, break it down into smaller parts, and find ways to deal with each of them.

3) Or he can simply decide it's not worth putting energy into and let it go.

David acknowledged that he was powerless to impact the corporate culture and decided to focus on the things he does have control over.  He talked with his boss to share his thoughts and suggestions, and then put his energy into his department and empowering his staff.  He let go of his need to fight a system he cannot change, and moved ahead in ways he could.

David realized that he always has the power to choose how he reacts to a situation, and to decide what he wants to do about it. Then he can make decisions about how to proceed.  Once he took charge of his feelings, the frustration disappeared and he again feels powerful in his world.

What About You?

What about you?  Is there a situation in your life that is causing you frustration because it’s not within your power to change? Or one that is not worth your time or energy? You may want to ask yourself if there is any aspect of it you can control, and then do that.  Then let go of the frustration.

Since being frustrated drains your physical and emotional energy, confuses your thoughts and blocks you from being productive, you might want to eliminate this emotion from your life.

It helps to remember that:

1)     When you feel frustrated it’s because you’re feeling powerless or not in control.

2)     Frustration tells you something is not working as you want or you planned.

3)     To relieve frustration, take action if you have the power/ability/authority, or do what you can, and then let the situation go.

4)     Confronting and overcoming frustration will add to your self-confidence and sense of personal power.

So, how do you deal with frustration?

It’s something to think about.

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience

Sandy is now offering a FREE Coaching Call, so you can see what Coaching is all about.  Please email her at Sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put FREE Call in the Subject Line.  She will get right back to you to schedule your call.

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website.  Also be sure to check out our Books page.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you.  Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.

If you would like to feel more confident and believe in yourself, check out The Confidence Pack, which contains several powerful worksheets to guide you and an amazing hypnotherapy session to strengthen your belief in yourself. 

What Happened to RESPECT?

The tone of The tone of the meeting had become hostile, with people interrupting, yelling and making snide comments, and I was appalled.  I’d just joined the Board of Directors for a non-profit agency, and was so shocked by the behavior of this group of professional adults, that I needed to think about it so I could understand what was going on.

The situation was one in which everyone had his or her own agenda, and nobody listened to what anyone else had to say.  As a result, it quickly deteriorated into an exchange that I would expect only from young children. It was both uncomfortable and unproductive, and I left feeling disgusted with the group.

I realized that what was being exhibited at this meeting was a total lack of respect.  The Board members were acting disrespectfully towards each other, themselves, and the organization they were there to help.

This realization led me to think about respect, and what exactly it is.

According to the dictionary, respect is:

• Exhibiting courtesy and deference: an expression (by word or deed) of esteem or regard
• Showing courteous regard for people's feelings
• Treating others with dignity
• The condition of being honored or well regarded
• Valuing one’s standing or position
• An attitude of admiration or esteem
• Regarding someone highly; thinking much of/valuing them

I realized that the positive relationships and interactions in my life were effective because the people involved treated each other with respect.  It’s what my parents used to refer to as exhibiting good manners (an old-fashion but still appropriate term). This means listening quietly and attentively, hearing what is said, responding calmly, and using a tone and demeanor that show regard and esteem for the people you’re interacting with.

This situation spurred me to look at my own behavior, and I was horrified to note that there are times when I treat others disrespectfully.  I wasn’t aware of it, but I began to see that when I feel tired, stressed, overwhelmed or ignored I lash out at the people around me.  As a result, my family and staff often bear the brunt of my disrespect.

I realized that it’s important for me to be aware of the way I treat others, and insure that all my actions convey a positive, respectful attitude towards the people involved.  This means everyone, from my children, spouse and friends, to my business colleagues, the clerk in the store, and fellow Board members.

I also realized that I should always treat myself with respect. I began to see that others are aware when I respect myself, and I’m more likely to receive respect in return.

As for the rest of the Board, I understand that I may not be able to change how they function.  However, if I monitor my own actions and model respectful behavior, I hope they will notice and respond in kind.

So, I’m wondering who do you treat respectfully or disrespectfully?  What types of situations spawn these behaviors and what is the outcome of these interactions?  It might be something to think about.

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience

Sandy is now offering a FREE Coaching Call, so you can see what Coaching is all about.  Please email her at Sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put FREE Call in the Subject Line.  She will get right back to you to schedule your call.

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website.  Also be sure to check out our Books page.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you.  Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.

If you would like to feel more confident and believe in yourself, check out The Confidence Pack, which contains several powerful worksheets to guide you and an amazing hypnotherapy session to strengthen your belief in yourself. 

Do You Need an Attitude Adjustment?

These days it seems like everywhere I look, somebody is talking about attitude.

Attitude is defined as a way of thinking or feeling about something or someone, and we all have attitudes about just about everything.

The question is, is your attitude positive or negative?

This might not sound like a big question, but it’s hugely important, because your attitude often determines how you feel, which influences your behavior and affects the outcome.

For example, if you feel good about yourself you will act accordingly.  When you feel good about yourself (positive self-esteem), you feel strong, powerful, capable, competent, loveable, and valuable.  When you feel that way you will walk through life with your head high, surrounding yourself with positive people and situations.

The same is true for when you have a positive attitude about someone else, or a situation.  If a negative situation arises, you can still find the good in it, and move ahead with a positive, can-do attitude. You will choose to be positive about whatever is in front of you, and will feel and act accordingly.

However, if you have a negative attitude, you will find the bad and focus on what is not working or what makes you unhappy.  When you do this you will attract more negative situations and people into your life.

It really is up to you.

There is usually good and bad in everything, and you always have a choice about how you want to view it.  You get to choose your perspective, and then act on it.

So if things aren’t going well for you, you might want to ask yourself if you need an attitude adjustment.

It’s something to think about.

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience

Sandy is now offering a FREE Coaching Call, so you can see what Coaching is all about.  Please email her at Sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put FREE Call in the Subject Line.  She will get right back to you to schedule your call.

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website.  Also be sure to check out our Books page.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you.  Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.

If you would like to feel more confident and believe in yourself, check out The Confidence Pack, which contains several powerful worksheets to guide you and an amazing hypnotherapy session to strengthen your belief in yourself.

How Do You Appreciate?

When people go out of their way to do something nice for you, how do you handle it?

Do you simply say “Thank You” and move on, or do you take a minute to tell them how much you really appreciate what they’ve done.

In my world I’m all about stepping up and supporting others in whatever way they want or need.  I do it because I care about people, and truthfully, it makes me feel good to give.

Often someone will say “Thank you”, which is lovely.  But occasionally someone will go further than that, and let me know how much whatever I did has impacted them.

Studies have shown that one of the main reasons people like or don’t like their jobs is how often their efforts are acknowledged and appreciated.  Appreciation and acknowledgment are more important to people than money, benefits, etc.  The most crucial thing is for people to feel they are part of the team, and that what they are doing is making a positive contribution to the group effort.

One way to give appreciation is to be specific.  Saying, “Good job” or “Thank you” is nice, but kind of hollow.  However, when you follow it up by identifying exactly what the person did, saying how it made you feel or how it helped you, and comment on the qualities they exhibited by doing it, people will really feel appreciated.

A good appreciation statement has several parts:

·        Be genuine and don’t expect anything in return

·        Be specific, use the person’s name, and identify exactly what s/he did

·        Make eye contact and use open body language

·        Recognize the person as well as the deed. Note their special character traits that allowed them to do this

·        Always be sincere

For example, if a coworker goes out the way to fill in for you when you’re out of the office, you can say, “Thanks for filling in”.  Or you can say, “It was great of you to step up and fill in while I was away.  You are always thoughtful like that, and it’s wonderful to know you have my back. Working with you is such a pleasure.”

Remember that showing sincere appreciation also applies in your personal life.  Being truly appreciative of your family and friends will strengthen your relationships and help everyone feel more connected.

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience

If you've wondered what Coaching is all about, Sandy is now offering a FREE Coaching Call.  Just email her at Sandy@insidejobscoach.com and she'll get right back to you to schedule your call.

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website.  Also be sure to check out our Books page.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you.  Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.

If you would like to feel more confident and believe in yourself, check out The Confidence Pack, which contains several powerful worksheets to guide you and an amazing hypnotherapy session to strengthen your belief in yourself.