How Do You Work?

Susan was so frustrated with her new office manager Jim, she was ready to fire him!  She said his habit of waiting until the last minute to begin jobs was driving her crazy. Whenever there was a project with a deadline, Jim didn’t even begin to work on it until the last minute.  Somehow he usually managed to get the job done, but it was always in crisis mode, with a huge burst of energy and stress.

Also, the one-time tasks that didn’t have a deadline, such as cleaning out the supply closet, never got done.

Susan is the kind of person who likes to tackle a job as soon as she learns about it.  She immediately sets out a work schedule, and is able to pace herself throughout the project, so that she eases up to the deadline with everything in order.

It’s no wonder that Jim’s deadline-driven style drove her crazy.

Unfortunately, Susan took Jim’s behavior personally and thought it was designed to irritate her.  It became a power and control issue between them.  She would speak sarcastically to Jim or nag him about how the project was coming, and he would become defensive and work even slower.  Obviously, this was unproductive for them both.

As we talked, Susan realized that people have different styles of functioning.  Once she understood that Jim was just doing things the way that worked best for him, she could acknowledge that he worked more efficiently when his deadline was near.  She admitted that he always managed to finish the project on time, and that the stress was her own because she mistakenly thought that Jim’s high energy rushing around was an indication that the project was out of control.

Once she realized it wasn’t personal and that Jim did know what he was doing, she could let go of the power struggle and talk with Jim about their different work styles.

Together they worked out a way that met both of their needs:

·        Jim agreed that when given a project, he would let Susan know that he understood the job, goal and completion date.  He would share with her the steps he would take to complete the project, reassuring Susan that he knew what was expected of him and by when.

·        He would then take some action each week to move the project forward, and check in with Susan on Friday at 3:00 to let her know where he was in the process.

·        For projects with no deadline, they decided to create one.  For example, they agreed that the supply cabinet would be cleaned by the last day of the month.  They also agreed that it was OK for Susan to occasionally check in with Jim on how the project was coming along, as long as she didn’t nag or try to take control.

This method worked for both of them, because it supported each of their working styles.  It made Jim responsible and gave him the freedom to work at his own pace without Susan looking over his shoulder, and provided him with accountability at their Friday meetings. It also provided Susan with the reassurance that Jim was aware of the project and making progress, so she didn’t feel that she needed to be on top of it every day.

Just like Susan and Jim, most of us have a style of approaching and tackling a project, a style that works best for us and fits the person we are.  If you are functioning in a group, team, or family, it helps to understand your own style and those of the people in your office or home.

Once you understand the different styles and discuss them, you can let go of any emotion attached to the situation and create an action plan that meets everyone’s needs. 

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website.  Also be sure to check out our Books page.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you.  Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.

If you would like to feel more confident and believe in yourself, check out The Confidence Pack, which contains several powerful worksheets to guide you and an amazing hypnotherapy session to strengthen your belief in yourself.

How Are You Honest?

Jill was demoralized and confused.  She said that her boyfriend, Dave, often said hurtful things to her, and when she called him on it he responded by saying, “Well, you want me to be honest, don’t you?”

Jill said that when they began their relationship they agreed to be honest with each other. She wanted to do that to insure there would be no big secrets that got in the way.  Because of this agreement she was confused about her reaction when Dave was ‘honest’.

I asked her for an example of his comments.  She said he often made hurtful remarks about how she looked or dressed, saying, “I can’t believe you’re going to wear that”, or “Your hair is so awful, can’t you do something with it?”  When she got upset he’d say, “I’m just telling you the truth. Isn’t that what we agreed to do?”

Jill and I spent some time looking at the fact that defining what is true often involves individual perception, and that there are as many different perceptions as there are people.  The way Dave perceived things and the way Jill did were often different, so when he was ‘being honest’ he was really stating things from his perspective, with which she might or might not agree.

We then looked at the difference between Total Honesty and Brutal Honesty.  The most important thing in being honest is the intent.  When someone is Totally Honest with you, their intent will be loving and respectful, and they will phrase things in a tactful, gentle and supportive way.

If Dave’s intention was to be caring and supportive, he could have easily said, “Since the invitation said ‘formal wear’ I’m wondering if a different dress might be more appropriate for this occasion.” Or, “You have such a lovely face, and that hairstyle hides it.”

When someone is Brutally Honest, the intent is to assert power and use ‘honesty’ as a weapon to gain control.  Brutal Honesty is cruel, disrespectful, hurtful and destructive.

Dave was being Brutally Honest, which was abusive, and Jill’s reactions to his comments were appropriate.  She felt attacked, yet wasn’t able to defend against his assertion that he was ‘just being honest.’

Once Jill understood that she wanted honesty that was supportive and loving, she decided to no longer let Dave’s assertion that he was just “being honest” justify his hurtful comments.  She made the decision to talk with him about being supportive instead of abusive. His response to this conversation would tell her a lot about the future of their relationship.

So, I’m wondering how you and the people around you are honest.  Are you supportive and respectful, or hurtful and cruel?

It’s something to think about.

 Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website.  Also be sure to check out our Books page.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you.  Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.

If you would like to feel more confident and believe in yourself, check out The Confidence Pack, which contains several powerful worksheets to guide you and an amazing hypnotherapy session to strengthen your belief in yourself. 

How Perfect Can You Be?

Michael is a successful business owner who came to coaching because he felt he was doing something wrong, even though his business was doing well.  He had a persistent underlying feeling of being a failure, even though all the evidence pointed to the contrary.

Michael began by saying that he’s always believed that “If something is worth doing, it’s worth doing right.”  When I asked, “What does ‘right’ mean?” he said it means that everything has to be perfect.  Always!  All the time!

It turned out that Michael came from a family in which his parents’ standards were beyond reach and reason.  They were never satisfied with anything he did.  If his school grades were all A’s and an A minus, the focus was immediately on why there was a minus.  If he missed a catch in football, his father would yell, embarrass him in front of his team, and make him practice for hours.  When he was young Michael was always in a no-win situation where nothing he did was ever good enough.

Consequently, Michael now sees mistakes as evidence that he is incompetent and unworthy, and feels that only perfection will gain him the love, respect, approval and acceptance he so badly wants.  As a result he drives himself to exhaustion and still doesn’t feel the sense of success and fulfillment he craves.

The reality is that there is no such thing as perfection.  We are all human, with strengths and weaknesses.  Nobody is excellent at everything, and trying to be perfect can be emotionally, mentally and physically exhausting.  Ironically, striving for perfection is often a set up for failure.

Michael believed that the only way he could be successful was to be a perfectionist.  However, when we compared perfectionists with healthy achievers, he saw that achievers accomplish just as much as perfectionists, and also avoid many of the negatives that he was experiencing. 

Perfectionist or Achiever 

Some of the differences between perfectionists and healthy achievers are:

·        Perfectionists see mistakes as evidence of unworthiness, while achievers see mistakes as opportunities for learning and growth.

·        Perfectionists feel they are only valuable and loveable if they are performing perfectly, while achievers know that their value as a human being is not measured by how perfectly they perform.

·        Perfectionists are often preoccupied with fear of failure and disapproval (which can cause procrastination, not finishing a project, and constant self-devaluation) while achievers feel normal anxiety but don’t let it turn into fear.

·        Perfectionists never allow others to see that they don’t know something, while achievers happily admit they have much to learn and are open to learning from others.

·        Perfectionists often become overly defensive when criticized, while achievers appreciate helpful, constructive criticism.

·        Perfectionists set unreasonable standards while achievers set standards that are high, but achievable.

·        Perfectionists focus only on the goal and are never satisfied by anything less than perfection, while achievers enjoy the process as well as the outcome. 

What You Can Do 

Once Michael became aware of how his perfectionism was depleting his energy, causing him to feel depressed and interfering with his relationships, he decided it was time to make some changes in how he approached his life.  He began by:

Ø     Making a list of the benefits and consequences of trying to be perfect.  He realized that although his business was successful, relationship problems, low self-esteem, compulsive behaviors, anxiety, feelings of inadequacy, depression, and workaholism were also the results of his perfectionism.

Ø     Listing all the things he likes about himself, and realizing that he has much value as a human being, even when he isn’t producing a perfect result.  He realized that he is loveable because of who he is, not only because of what he does.

Ø     He began to be more realistic about what he can and cannot do.  Instead of setting unreasonable goals and then beating himself up because he doesn’t achieve them, he set more realistic goals, which he can achieve and be proud of.

Ø     He changed his view of criticism, to see that it is usually not a personal attack, and therefore does not have to be met with defensiveness.  His focus now is to take criticism objectively and appreciate the lesson.  He also realized that criticism isn’t about his value as a human being, and that someone can objectively criticize something he’s done and still accept and respect him.

Ø     He realized that if he stops making mistakes he will stop learning and growing, so he changed his definition of mistake from ‘failure’ to ‘growth opportunity’.

Michael is now allowing himself to experience the joy of achieving without negatively judging everything he sees as imperfect.  He is also being more supportive and less demanding in his relationships with others.  He has been surprised to see that others actually like and respect him more now that he is not so driven, and he feels happier and more fulfilled in every area of his life.

If you are a perfectionist, you may want to ask yourself what toll it’s taking on you, and if being an achiever might actually help you accomplish more and feel better about it.

It’s something to think about.

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources Page on our Inside Jobs Coach website.  Also be sure to check out our Books page.

If you'd like to bring positive changes into your life, we have the perfect thing for you.  Check out The Rapid Power Pack, and begin to create the life of your dreams.

If you would like to feel more confident and believe in yourself, check out The Confidence Pack, which contains several powerful worksheets to guide you and an amazing hypnotherapy session to strengthen your belief in yourself.