What Do You Want?

My friend Jenny doesn’t understand why she is frustrated and dissatisfied with her life.  She’s 38 years old, works hard and is successful in her profession.  Everyone tells her she’s doing well and is a lucky woman.  However, she isn’t thrilled with her job, and wants to be married and have a family, but hasn’t yet met “the right man”.

She explained that she’s always believed that she’ll know the right thing to do when it comes along, so she’s never actually set goals or made plans.  She went to college but never did any introspection to help decide what to major in.  She chose the college she went to because her friends were going there, and majored in things that seemed interesting, but she had no career goals for when she graduated.

After college, jobs seemed to come her way.  She believed these were “meant to be”, so she took them.  She worked hard and did well, but never felt fulfilled because she wasn’t doing something that made her happy.  It was the same with men --- whenever she meets someone who ‘seems nice’, she dates him for several months, but it never works out.  She still hopes the right man will come along.

 Jenny’s problem is that she’s never taken the time to look specifically at herself, at what makes her happy, or what she needs or wants.  All her life she’s followed whatever came her way, with no plan or thought about if it really met her needs or where it would take her.  She’s been reactive by responding to what comes, rather than being proactive by looking at herself, making decisions, setting goals and choosing how to move toward them.

Recently Jenny decided that she was ready to take stock of who she is, what makes her happy, and where she wants to be next year and five years from now. 

She began to ask herself several questions:

·        Am I living a life that fulfills me?  What does being fulfilled mean, feel and look like?

·        What is fun for me?  What did I love to do when I was a child?

·        What makes me lose track of time?

·        What makes my heart sing and fills my soul with joy?

·        What is missing and how can I put more of it into my life?

·        What kind of relationship do I want?  What will that look and feel like?

·        What do I want professionally?  What are my talents and skills? Do I want to use them in my work?  What do I want to avoid doing?

·        What expectations are keeping me from being me?

·        What fears are stopping me?

·        What can I do to change this situation?

·        How do I feel about money?  Is this moving me forward or holding me back financially?

·        What things do I need to allow myself to let go of so I can reach my goals?

·        Who do I need to be in order to live the life I want?

·        What is the next step to getting there?

Jenny had never looked at herself from this perspective, and was surprised and pleased at what she found.  From the answers to these questions she began to make decisions, and created both personal and professional goals, which gave her a destination for which to chart her course.  She then created an action plan with steps to move herself towards her goals.

This was a new, exciting and uncomfortable experience for Jenny. It took a lot of work for her to sort out who she is and what her needs, desires and dreams are.  She needed to look at who she is instead of who people have always told her she is.  She needed to look at what her values, talents and skills are, and make some decisions, rather than just going with the flow.

Letting go of the “shoulds”, fears and expectations that she had built her life on, and creating her own road map was a difficult process, because thinking about herself was something she’d always been told it was ‘selfish’ to do.

However, she became excited once she realized that she is now becoming clear about what she wants and how to get it.  Jenny is now happily implementing her plan, taking it one step at a time with a goal in mind, and is moving towards the life she’s always wanted.

Is it possible that you might be like Jenny?  Just moving through life, taking whatever comes, without a plan or concept of where you’re going.  How’s that working for you?

If It’s not working the way you’d like, you might want to ask yourself what you’d like to do about it.

You always have the power to take control of your life, make changes and create the present and future that will make you feel fulfilled and happy.

It’s something to think about.

If you are uncertain about who you are or where you want your life to go, there are many things you can do about it.  The first might be to connect with Sandy for a FREE Coaching Call.

Just email her at Sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put FREE CALL in the Subject line.  She will get back to you soon to schedule a time to talk, so you can jump-start creating the life of your dreams.

Sandra Abell is a best selling author, speaker, Licensed Counselor, and life and business coach. She is the author of the best selling books, FeelingGood About You and Moving Up To Management, and is the creator of the amazing Feeling Good About You Breakthrough program. You can visit Sandy on her website at www.insidejobscoach.com.

Are You Conflict Avoidant?

Hi,

Today I’d like to tell you about my friend Jim, who is the owner of a small, successful printing shop.  He has five employees who usually get along well with each other.  However, recently two of his staff members began bickering.  Understandably, this interfered with the productivity and positive feel of his business.  Jim let the situation go on too long, allowing it to become toxic and spread to the rest of his employees.

This unpleasant situation continued because Jim was conflict avoidant, which means he was uncomfortable dealing with any kind of confrontation, so he stayed away from it, and the result was it just got worse.

There are many reasons why people are conflict avoidant, and it’s not always a bad thing. At times avoiding conflict can be an effective short-term strategy.  Conflict avoidance can be used to buy time, gather more information on an issue, or let emotions simmer down.  It can also be used if the issue is unimportant to you, it’s not your business, or you don’t have any authority or responsibility in the matter. 

However, if this coping strategy is used too long or too often, being conflict avoidant can allow a situation to escalate and become heated and destructive.  It can also make it so your needs don’t get met, others take advantage of you, and you become angry and resentful.

Jim told me he was raised in a family where conflict was seen as bad, and meant that people didn’t love, like or care about each other.  He was taught to keep the peace at all costs and “not rock the boat”.  Because of this attitude, things in his family were never dealt with.

Some of the ways he learned to deal with potential conflict were: to ignore the situation in the hope it would go away; change the subject; put off the discussion; or just not bring it up.  He learned to take no risks, say nothing, and stay uninvolved.

When Jim was a child, conflict avoidance often worked, although he seldom got his needs met.  But now, as the boss, it’s no longer an option.  The situation in his shop was escalating, he needed to do something about it, and he was at a loss about how to start.

One of the first steps for Jim was to realize that conflict doesn’t have to become a huge drama, nor does it mean the end of a relationship.

He also needed to learn that dealing with issues as they arise can be positive, because once addressed, it stops them from becoming a bigger problem.

In order to deal with conflict, Jim learned to:

·        Emotionally detach and remain calm

·        Listen to all sides

·        Use empathy and listen to each party

·        Ask for clarification if he doesn’t understand, and to confirm he’s hearing what’s being said

·        Validate what he hears by paraphrasing what others say

·        Look at the facts and the goal

·        Communicate clearly and briefly

·        Help everyone participate in joint problem solving and focus on finding a win-win solution

·        Help people identify creative and workable solutions

·        Focus on solutions instead of complaints

·        Support all parties in being assertive, which means they communicate their own needs while treating everyone else with dignity and respect

Jim decided to meet with his two staff members to help them work out their differences.  He used several of his new skills, and was delighted to see how his employees participated in the discussion, shared their feelings, and collaborated to solve the problem.  He realized that the act of hearing, acknowledging and empowering each of them was a big part in resolving the conflict.

Now when things begin to become tense at work, or even with his family and friends, Jim is able to address the situation in a calm, nonjudgmental way.  He has learned that conflict is a normal part of any relationship, and that the sooner he acknowledges and deals with it, the more harmonious and efficient his world will be.

So I’m wondering how you handle conflict in your life.

If conflict avoidance is causing you problems and stress, there are many things you can do about it.  The first might be to connect with Sandy for a FREE Coaching Call.

Just email her at Sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put FREE CALL in the Subject line.  She will get back to you soon to schedule a time to talk, so you can jump-start creating the life of your dreams.

Sandra Abell is a best selling author, speaker, Licensed Counselor, and life and business coach. She is the author of the best selling books, FeelingGood About You and Moving Up To Management, and is the creator of the amazing Feeling Good About You Breakthrough program. You can visit Sandy on her website at www.insidejobscoach.com.

What Do You Expect?

While talking with my friend Sam I mentioned how excited I am about the coming year, and all the amazing, wonderful things it will bring.

Sam looked at me like I was crazy, and said, “How can you know that?  What if it brings difficult challenges and unhappy circumstances?”  What then?

I realized that Sam is like many people who don’t know that they are in charge of most of what happens in their lives.  Sam always felt he was at the mercy of the fates, and would deal with whatever comes when it comes.  However, he felt powerless to impact it.

This is a very reactive approach, and when Sam thinks like this he gives away all his power over what happens in his life.  Sam is putting himself in the role of being a victim, which in turn makes him unhappy, feeling unfulfilled, and rarely accomplishes what he hopes will happen.

On the other hand, the most successful people I know take the opposite approach.  They believe that the things they think about, focus on, and work towards, will become reality.  They expect to find the good, and amazingly, that is what they find.

This is a proactive approach in which they are visualizing and creating the outcomes they want.  They make things happen in their lives by believing they can, and then taking the steps to insure that they will.

Even if something difficult arises, these successful people know they are still in charge of how they react to it.  It’s their choice whether to let it get them down, or use it as a springboard to make them stronger.

As you have probably guessed, I’m one of those folks who look for, and always find, the good.  It works for me, and always makes my life more fun and allows me to feel fulfilled and blessed.

So, what kind of year do you want 2017 to be, and how will you approach it to make it happen?

Please comment, and share with us how you take care of yourself.  Your thoughts could be just the inspiration someone else needs.

Because I want to support you as you grow, I’m offering a FREE Coaching Call to talk about how to create the reality you want.  Just Click Here to send me an email.  Be sure to put FREE CALL in the subject line.

If you’d like to learn more about how to take care of yourself and make amazing things happen in your life, Click Here.