The Red Flags of Worry and Guilt

Last week I was talking with a client names Jim, who was telling me that he was worried about the status of a proposal he'd submitted for a big job.  He said he was so distracted with worry that he'd been neglecting the other things he needs to do to keep his business running, and he was feeling guilty about that.

I asked him if worrying and feeling guilty would impact whether he won the contract.  Of course he answered “No.”  I then asked him what he was getting out of all that worry and guilt he said “a lot of stress, anxiety and sleepless nights.”

So now I’m confused.  He’s choosing to spend his time and energy engaging in two activities (worrying and feeling guilty) that do not positively affect anything, and that only bring him stress, anxiety and insomnia.  What’s up with that?

Learned Behaviors

After some discussion Jim realized that he had learned to generate these two emotions for himself when he was very young.  He lived in a home where his parents always worried about the future, and used guilt to control their children and make them behave.  Therefore he learned to create these emotions when confronted with certain types of situations.

He can now see that these learned behaviors accomplish nothing positive, and actually drain his energy and distract his brain so he can’t focus on the things he wants to do.  He also realizes that he has the power to decide to not take on these feelings.

The Purpose of Guilt

Many people are confused about guilt.  It has a purpose, but it’s NOT to make you suffer.  Guilt is like a red flag that pops up when you have done something that violates your values, or the values of those who raised you.  

The ‘guilt flag’ pops up to get your attention and let you know that you have done something that doesn't feel comfortable for you and your current value system, that you feel is ‘wrong’. Its purpose is to remind you to look at and learn from your thoughts or behavior.

Guilt may be self-imposed, or come from other people who try to ‘make you feel guilty’ in order to control and influence you to do what they want.  As with Jim when he was a child, his parents ‘made him feel guilty’ whenever he acted out or did something they didn’t like. The nice thing is that once you are an adult you can choose to ‘pick up’ the guilt that others lay in front of you, or you can ignore it and choose to not take it on when it doesn’t fit.

What To Do

Whether it comes from your inner voice or from another person, guilt is NOT an emotion that you need to hold on to.  Once you’ve noticed that the red flag of guilt has popped up in your world, your job is to:

• Figure out what value you are violating
• Take whatever action you choose to deal with the situation
• Mentally PUT DOWN THE FLAG!!!

The Purpose of Worry

It’s the same with worry.  We worry when we are confronted with situations whose outcome we care about.  Worry is a red flag that pops up to let us know that something pending is important to us. Often we worry about things we have no control over, like the weather or someone else’s decisions.

Just like with guilt, once you notice the ‘worry flag’ it’s time to look at what the situation is and decide if you have the right and the ability to impact it.  You have the right if it’s truly your problem.  You don’t have the right if it belongs to someone else.  (For example, Jim has the right and responsibility to make decisions regarding his business.  However, he does not have the right to make decisions about his adult daughter’s business, even though he cares about what happens to it and her).

If you determine that you do have the right to impact the situation, then stop worrying and take action to influence the outcome.  If you’ve already done all you can, or it’s something over which you have no control (the outcome of a contract once it’s submitted, the world situation, the health of a loved one) then it’s time to stop draining your focus and energy, let go of the worry and PUT DOWN THE FLAG!!!

Put Down The Flag

It’s been my experience that people usually worry about things over which they have no control.  It’s almost as if we believe that by worrying we are doing something constructive which will influence the outcome.  However, the reality is that no amount of worry will accomplish anything positive.

So the next time you notice you’re feeling guilty or worrying, instead of holding on to these emotions and allowing them to add stress to your life, ask yourself what their message is for you.  Then thank them for what they have shown you, take action to rectify the situation if possible, and PUT DOWN THE FLAG!!!

For a free worksheet to help you look at how Guilt and Worry impact your life, go to our website at www.insidejobscoach.com and click on Resources.

If you're ready to begin the journey of discovery that will lead to the life of your dreams, we've created  The Rapid Power Pack.  A group of great articles and worksheets, and an amazing Hypnotherapy session, all designed to guide you as you become aware of the incredible person you've always been.