Are You Taking Care of Yourself?

Michelle is tired.  Actually, she is exhausted and feeling lonely.  All her life she’s been taking care of others, which she was taught as a child was her role in life. At an early age she was told that if she takes care of others, they will do the same for her.

Unfortunately, now that she’s an adult, it’s not working out that way.

She gives her time and energy, and often is ignored, taken for granted, or verbally abused for her trouble.  While focusing on what other people want she usually ignores herself and what is best for her.  She accepts it when people treat her with disrespect and allows them to abuse her time and take advantage of her good attitude.

For a long time Michelle wasn’t aware that she no longer has to live like this.  When she was a child she just gave more and tried harder. Now she’s an adult and has the right to expect people to treat her with respect. 

Recently Michelle realized that she is exhausted from focusing all her time and energy on doing what the people in her life want her to do.  She gives and gives and seldom gets anything back. 

Michelle knows something has to change, but is afraid that if she lets her family and friends know that she has needs too, they will become angry and leave.

However, she is draining herself physically and emotionally, and is beginning to feel sick.  She realizes that if she goes on this way she will become ill and then she won’t be able to be there for anyone.

Recently Michelle has decided to start taking care of herself as much as she takes care of the people in her life. She does it with love and respect for them, and she now needs to give herself that same love and respect.

This means she will start setting boundaries in all areas, to clarify the space between her and others. She will let them know when she is available and when she is NOT available to take care of and do things for them.  She will also put a stop to disrespectful words and attitudes.

It will be as if she’s drawn a line and put up a ‘No Trespassing’ sign between herself and behaviors she doesn’t want directed toward her.  Once she does this she will begin insuring that her physical, emotional and personal well being is protected.

In order to set boundaries Michelle will need to become clear about what she wants and needs, and then communicate this to her family and friends.  If they don’t like it she will have to let it be their problem, not hers

When you have strong boundaries you’re able to take care of yourself and be clear with others about what behaviors are and are not acceptable to you.

Unacceptable behaviors can encompass everything from disrespecting your time, unwanted touching, verbal aggression, private space violations, and a wide variety of behaviors that make you uncomfortable.

If you relate to Michelle’s situation, it’s important for you to know that you always have the right to protect yourself by setting and enforcing boundaries.  You have the right to stop anything that makes you uncomfortable or violates your values and your physical, emotional and personal space.

Michelle looked at several things she can do to set boundaries around herself.  She realized that she has the power to:

·        Look at the reasons she feels the need to sacrifice herself in order to take care of everyone else.

·        Look directly at and confront her fear of abandonment. Be honest with herself about it, and ask herself “how true is this?”

·        Pay attention to what she is telling herself (her self-talk) that encourages her to disrespect herself.

·        Ask herself what is the worst that could happen?  Could I physically survive this?  Would I be better off in the long run?

·        Change the focus from the negative, what she can’t do and the fear, to the positive, what she wants, and what she CAN do to take care of herself as well as others.

·        Realize that when she changes the way she thinks and talks to herself, she will change the way she acts

·        Focus on what she wants to happen and develop a clear picture of this.

·        Get back into control by figuring out what she needs to do to move ahead.

·        Break it down into steps and take action.

·        Visualize moving ahead and seeing herself with clear, well-defined boundaries.

To do this she needed to think about areas in which others mistreat her.  She became aware of when people ignore her, use language that offends her, disregard her needs and wants, expect her to be responsible for them when they’re capable of doing things for themselves, blame her for their failures, expect her to always say “yes” and go along with whatever they want, etc.?

She then made decisions about how she wants things to be different.

She gathered her courage and let the people in her life know that she would not always be available to meet their every need or tolerate disrespectful behavior.  She told them that she also has needs and wants, and that giving was a pleasure for her, so she would continue to be there for them in some ways, and would also be giving to herself as well.

She also let them know the attitudes and behaviors she will and will not accept from them.

Much to her surprise and delight, most of them understood, and even commented on how glad they were that she’s decided to take care of herself.  The couple of people who didn’t like it weren’t very good friends anyway, and Michelle realized it was time to let them drift away.

Some of the healthy boundaries Michelle set are:

·        Her time, talents and energy are hers to share if and when she wants to.

·        She will not tolerate abusive language or emotional blackmail.

·        Her body and physical space are private, and people aren’t allowed to touch them without her permission.

·        Her personal property (phone messages, emails, correspondence, vehicle, etc.) is off limits without her permission.

·        She deserves and expects to be treated with respect in all areas.

·        It is not her job to ‘fix’ everything for everyone.

·        She will treat herself with respect and expects everyone else to do the same.

Michelle still has to pay attention and note when she feels uncomfortable or disrespected, but with this strategy in place she feels powerful and in control of her destiny.  She says overall she’s amazed at how much better she feels and how much more energy she has now that she’s taking care of herself.

Are you like Michelle?  Is what you tell yourself about your value creating a depressing and negative reality?

You might want to ask yourself what you can do to change it, and then take back your power and move ahead

It’s something to think about.

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience.

For FREE worksheets on ways to empower yourself, see the Resources page on our Inside Jobs Coach website.

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