You're Talking But Are You Communicating?

Several years ago my two young children, my husband and I were traveling in the car. The traffic was heavy and my husband was tense at the wheel. The kids were giggling and playing in the back seat and in frustration my husband said “will you kids please be quiet so I can focus on the traffic”. The kids responded by lowering their voices and playing in a less rowdy fashion. Their father became more agitated and said, “Quiet down NOW!” The children lowered their voices a bit more and continued to giggle and play. Their stressed father then turned around and yelled “I said BE QUIET!!!, at which point the shocked children stopped talking completely and the mood in the car was incredibly tense.

What happened here was a failure to communicate. When my husband used the word “quiet” he meant silent, but our children interpreted it to mean less volume. A very uncomfortable situation was caused by the lack of a common word definition.

COMMON SITUATION

Often when people communicate they think they’re having a meeting of the minds, and later discover there was no connection at all. Situations such as this can be avoided if we use a few simple techniques.  The first is to realize that both participants in a conversation have a role to play.

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Communication is a two-way street and the roles of both speaker and listener are equally important.  There are several things each can do to insure that the process of delivering and receiving information flows smoothly.

BE PRESENT/PAY ATTENTION

Both participants must be mentally present and pay attention. Pay attention to the conversation instead of being distracted by things around you, thinking about how you’ll respond, or wondering what you’ll have for dinner.

BODY LANGUAGE

Both participants should be aware of their body language. Studies have shown that over 75% of communication is nonverbal. Things such as eye contact, tone of voice, facial expression and how you hold your arms, all communicate your level of interest.  To facilitate good communication, both speaker and listener must maintain good eye contact, use a pleasant tone of voice, make sure their body is in an “open”, friendly position, and smile and nod to indicate they are on the same page.

FEEDBACK

Be sure to give feedback to each other.  This may be non-verbally, as we just mentioned, or spoken. The listener can clarify word definitions or ask questions if something is unclear. The speaker can define words that might be confusing or misunderstood, and ask if there are questions or if clarification is needed.

TWO LEVELS

Both speaker and listener must be aware that communication happens on at least two levels. There is the content level, which is the literal meaning of the spoken words, and there is the process level, which refers to the feelings beneath the words. In the situation with my husband and children, the content was that he wanted them to be quiet. The process was that he was tense and stressed with the traffic situation and needed their help in coping with it. If the listener is aware of both levels it will add to his/her understanding of what the speaker is conveying, and can help him/her respond in the most appropriate way.

When the process and content are not congruent it’s important for the listener to pick up on this and ask about what’s really going on.

Both participants can also further communication by summarizing what they are saying or hearing, and giving occasional feedback to each other to insure they’re both on the same track.

BE BRIEF, BE BOLD, BE GONE!

The speaker must be specific and brief about what s/he’s saying. We’ve all known people who tend to ramble and add unnecessary details when they talk. They are usually difficult to understand. A good speaker follows the rule "Be Brief, Be Bold, and Be Gone!”

So, when you interact with others, are you effectively communicating or just talking? Do you clarify?  Are you fully present, using positive body language, defining your words and giving feedback? Do you listen fully and with an open mind?

When you make the effort to communicate clearly your relationships will suddenly become easy and uncomplicated. 

It’s something to think about.

Please comment so others can benefit from your wisdom and experience.

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